Time Outs: How to Take a Break from an Argument and Preserve Your Relationship
"Don't you walk away from me! We're not done." Have you heard those words or maybe said them yourself? Sometimes when arguments get intense, the best thing you can do for your relationship is to take a break and allow things to settle.
This is a strategy that doesn't just make sense, it's based in your physiology. But if you haven't set it up in the right way, walking away from an intense argument can make things worse and look and feel like abandonment or avoidance.
In this video couples therapist Rebecca Williams, LMFT gives you some guidelines for using time outs effectively to take a break during an intense argument and preserve your relationship while doing it.
If you'd like more info, you can check out our blog at www.iecouplescounseling.com/blog/calling-a-time-out
Time Outs
When arguing with your partner, your body will go into the automatic stress response of “fight or flight” mode. Once in that mode, you can no longer access logical, executive thought processes to talk through the argument calmly. Here are some tips to help once you are in that “fight or flight” mode:
Agree to the rules when you are both calm.
Anyone can call a time out. It isn’t a punishment but a chance for you both to collect yourselves and calm down.
Take a break from the topic: no less than 20 minutes, but no more than 24 hours.
No judgement. Don’t judge your partner if they call a time out before you think it is needed. They may be feeling more on the inside than they are expressing on the outside.
No ruminating or stewing on the fight. While in a time out, watch tv, take a nap, go to work, take a walk; do anything you can to push the argument out of your mind so your body can release itself from “fight or flight” mode.
Come back when you’re both ready. Check in with each other after 20 minutes. See if you both are ready to revisit the topic or if one of you still needs more time.
Reengage the topic. Don’t just push the topic aside. You need to come back and talk through it.
Was watching this video a homework assignment from your therapist?
Put this skill into practice before your next session. We’ll want to know how it went. If you had great success, we’ll celebrate with you. If implementation was rough, we can help you figure out what went wrong and get you back on track.
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