In this last phase of recovering from infidelity, Phase 4,  you and your partner will need to build a new relationship with each other. What do I mean when I say “new”?

To start, your old relationship (before you found out about the affair) is gone. Those two people (or who you thought they were back then) no longer exist.

I’m not talking physically (though we do age and we may not look as young as before) - I’m talking about your experiences, your feelings, your thoughts…those have changed and the people you are in this relationship now are drastically different from then. 

As much as you wish you could go back in time and undo this part of your story as a couple, you can't. So if you and your partner want to stay in this relationship, you may need to grieve what you thought your relationship was or was supposed to be in order to move towards building this new relationship. Note, grieving this takes time and can feel really hard - if you aren't quite sure what the grieving process looks like, consider working with a couples or relationship therapist! We can teach you what grief is, how it feels to go through grief, ways to manage your symptoms of grief, and support you as you move on from the old relationship and create this new one. 

We offer in-person couples therapy in Riverside, Murrieta, and online couples counseling to residents of California.

How do I get started rebuilding after infidelity in couples therapy Murrieta?

I first want you to think about what created your relationship with your partner at the very beginning of your journey as a couple in the first place. I imagine you probably went on fun and/or romantic dates, spent time getting to know each other, gave each other undivided attention, you shared similar hobbies, or had fun creating new memories together. This is the exact thing you will need to do with your partner again in order to build this new relationship. This could look like: 

• making space to set the phones down or turn the TV off when we/they get home from work or when you are having dinner

• taking turns planning fun and/or romantic dates

• trying new hobbies or making new memories that don't have anything to do with the affair or wounds from your old relationship  (i.e. taking a cooking class, signing up for dance lessons, joining a podcast/book club, serving in community projects, etc.).

Note: Part of why it is so important to find new hobbies or make new memories together is because the things you used to do together might feel tainted or ruined by the lies or betrayal in the past. If you keep trying to do those things you may find yourself continually triggered and unable to enjoy your time together.

How couples therapy in Murrieta, CA can help

Finally, in addition to adding new hobbies or experiences to build your new relationship, you may also need to work at understanding each other’s needs to feel more connected. As I stated earlier, you and your partner are not the same person you used to be before the affair.

And as we change as people, oftentimes our needs change too.

To help you get a better understanding of yours and your partner’s needs, the two of you will need to talk about what you need emotionally, physically, spiritually, socially, financially, etc. In couples therapy, you can explore or process what those needs are, create a safe space to be able to share those needs, and learn ways to share those with each other in a helpful way. Sometimes talking about those needs may feel difficult, especially if those needs have drastically changed from when the two of you first became a couple, if you hear your partner’s needs as an excuse for the affair, or if your partner hears your needs as an attack on their mistakes. If you’re considering couples therapy and want more direction on Phase 4 of recovering from infidelity, contact us - we can help! 

At Inland Empire Couples Counseling we offer the best marriage counseling we can! Our couples therapists are trained in helping couples heal from infidelity, substance use in relationships, childhood trauma, communication skills, as well as providing the LGBTQIA+ community with pride counseling. We have online couples counseling in California. We have couples therapy in Riverside, CA. We also have marriage counseling in Murrieta CA or the Temecula Valley. Please reach out for help by clicking the button below to schedule a free 15 minute consultation with our Intake Coordinator.

Have questions about couples counseling? Visit our FAQs page to find out more.