How couples therapy can help resolve conflict and build intimacy in your relationship

Conflict! We all know what this means, right? A potentially painful experience, A conversation where we know we are at odds with another person, a physical altercation, a wartime situation unfolding. What if this were only half of the truth? How we understand conflict has been influenced by our culture or individuality and our propensity to look for threats in our environment.

When it comes to conflict in relationships, we tend to label relationship conflict just as we do with things in our outer world that threaten to interrupt our quest for connection, comfort and familiarity. When it comes to couples therapy, conflict and the avoidance of, have a major role in why couples seek help in the first place.

Let’s discuss, shall we?

If you and your partner have a lot of conflict in your relationship, reach out to us today for help! We offer in-person couples therapy in Riverside Ca, in-person marriage therapy in Murrieta Ca, and online couples counseling in California!

What is Conflict? And how can couples therapy in Riverside help?

It is a shock to most people (myself included) that a statistically significant 69% of conflict areas within couples relationships are ones that are without resolution. I know, right? That is a huge number, and one that warrants a new perspective.

You are probably overwhelming yourself thinking about all the things you would like to solve in terms of relationship disagreements right now, aren't you?  And this number might be forcing you to face a hard truth about communicating in a relationship, and possibly “why even bother, this seems impossible”. You aren’t alone in thinking this, and….with a shift in perspective, you may not have to find resolve. I invite you to consider re-thinking what conflict is and how we handle it with our partners. Conflict resolution is great, it feels good to solve a problem, conquer it and move along, there, done!

And this may be possible for that other 31% of problems you face together, but if we start with the assumption that the likelihood of a given issue falls in that first category (69%) and take the conflict management approach, we can manage our expectations for a conversation with our partners in that resolve is not the goal.

What IS the goal, you ask?

Well, it would be greater understanding of our partners perspectives in which we don’t have to agree, just listen. This removes the expectation that one of us has to change our minds and removes the expectation that you both must agree on something to be “compatible” or “right for each other”. 

You have probably heard someone say, or even said yourself, “oh, we are just very different people”, when entertaining thoughts of separation. This is a convenient justification for a lack of conflict management skills or the inability to allow someone to have a difference in opinion. That is not to say that this may cause you to think or feel differently about your spouse, but the conclusion you make from understanding, is different from the ability to use conflict constructively and as an opportunity for growth.

What role does conflict resolution play in Intimacy?

Intimacy becomes crucial in these areas of ongoing conflict when it comes to constructing understanding and meaning. The most successful couples know and leverage each other's strengths when facing conflict and band together as a team to overcome.

These couples see conflict as external to themselves, handle themselves and their partners feelings with respect and do not become emotionally dysregulated when their partner voices an opposite or alternate opinion.

They are able to engage in conflict without seeing their differences as a threat to the closeness they have with their partner. Easier said than done, right? Always. If intimacy was an equation, I might argue that Intimacy = Trust x Vulnerability, this being directly related to positive or negative conflict. The more vulnerability and trust you have with your partner, the greater the intimacy you might share. The more intimate you can be will increase your ability to manage conflict constructively. Of course, the opposite effect occurs when the approach to conflict is adversarial.

Adverse and negative communication regarding conflict decreases intimacy through reluctance to trust and be vulnerable with each other. Becoming stuck in this cycle lands so many on the couch of a couples therapist because it is a very difficult cycle to break and this is both common and perfectly necessary. 

How can we fix our conflict management with couples therapy in Riverside?

Some strategies  for coming together on these unsolvable issues starts with assessing you and your partner’s ability to trust and be vulnerable with each other when discussing potentially tumultuous issues. Know that there may be disagreement and call that to attention by saying, “Hey, we don’t need to agree on this, but let’s just start to understand what it's like to be in your/my shoes here”. Much of the time, the differences come in the form of personal values, which aren’t inherently good or bad, but can absolutely be different. Some things to think about when it comes to crafting conflict management with your partner are listed below: 

1. Create a positive overview as conflict is just information and does not mean you are good/bad/right/wrong/ 

2. Identify and discuss the values you hold that inform your perspective. Do not force your values onto your partners or assume they should have the same or similar values. This does not resolve the conflict, it only creates resentment.  

3. The struggle between who is right or wrong should not be the focus

4. You do not have to agree to be able to listen, use active listening skills to give your partner the space they need to express their perspectives, and take turns doing this. Interrupting is counterproductive to vulnerability and trust. 

5. If you need clarification on something, ask “what does ______ mean to/for you?”

6. Point out the advantages of your partner's perspectives. What strengths are inherent in your partner’s perspectives that you can leverage to manage the conflict.  

7. The collective/collaborative focus on constructive conflict and how to build new meaning increases feelings of connectedness and intimacy grows as a result

8. One must be capable of vulnerability in that they must be able to be flexible with their perspective as well as be honest about their value system

9. Differences in values and perspectives should not be considered signs of incompatibility, but something that is complimentary in dealing with life issues that creates more breadth in the couples ability to handle stressors. 

As you can see, there are many moving parts to using conflict as a source for increased intimacy and connection in your relationship. If you are reading this and concluding that this seems like a lot of work, then I’d agree, and….so is engaging in seemingly endless negative conflict with decreasing relationship satisfaction. Both options are hard. The wonderful thing is, you get to choose your “hard”.

Sometimes, all it takes is a safe place, an intent to grow and a trained professional to coach and guide you.

At Inland Empire Couples Counseling we offer the best marriage counseling we can! Our couples therapists are trained in helping couples heal from infidelity, substance use in relationships, childhood trauma, communication skills, as well as providing the LGBTQIA+ community with pride counseling, and much more. We have online couples counseling in California. We have couples therapy in Riverside, CA. We also have marriage counseling in Murrieta CA or the Temecula Valley. Please reach out for help by clicking the button below to schedule a free 15 minute consultation with our Intake Coordinator.

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