Have you felt lately that when you talk to your partner, you don’t get the response you were hoping for or maybe you get a reaction that is hurtful? You feel like your partner doesn’t understand you and they don’t show you the support, love or respect that you need. You want to feel emotionally connected to your partner but when you try to share this with your partner, you're not quite sure how to describe what’s missing or what they can do differently. Or maybe you’re frustrated because you’ve tried to tell them over and over but they don’t seem to get it. 

It sounds to me like you’re wanting emotional safety in your relationship. So you might be wondering, what is emotional safety?

Emotional safety is an emotional connection shared with another that allows us to feel emotionally safe to be open and vulnerable.

You can also read our blog Signs of Mental or Emotional Abuse in Your Relationship if you think your relationship might struggling with more than just emotional safety.

When we can be our true authentic selves with our partner and vice versa, our relationship deepens connection, intimacy and trust. On the other hand, if we are afraid of how our partners will react when we share different parts of ourselves, including the good - the bad - the ugly, we protect ourselves by disconnecting and holding ourselves back from being vulnerable and from letting our partners know us deeply. This often times leads to us feeling misunderstood, lonely, or distant from our partner.

If this sounds like your relationship, contact us today for a free consultation! We offer in-person relationship counseling in Murrieta, CA and Riverside, CA as well as online couples therapy to residents of California.

So now you might be asking, how can I get emotional safety in my relationship?

In relationships, emotional safety is developed when both partners feel appreciated, supported, respected and loved by their partner - unconditionally.

Here are 5 practical ways or tips you can give your partner for them to show the support, respect or love that you need. 

Make Eye Contact with me

Let your partner know that when you are talking you would like them to turn towards you and look at you. It might even be helpful for them to pause the TV, put down the phone, or remove any distractions. When your partner gives you their full attention, you will get a sense that what you say matters and that they care. 

Acknowledge me

Next, tell your partner that after you share something with them it is helpful for them to repeat back what they heard you say. When your partner acknowledges what you say, you’ll feel like they were paying attention and listening. Also, when they repeat back what you said, you’ll be able to see if they missed something that was important to you. This gives you a chance to clarify what you feel is important or what you need them to know. 

Validate me

Once your partner acknowledges what you said, ask them if they can validate or empathize with how you feel. A simple statement from them like “I can see that you’re hurting” can go a long way.

Note, let your partner know that validating your feelings does not mean that you are right and they are wrong.

Validating one another just means that you express how you can see things from your partner’s perspective or understand how they might feel. Also, if your partner is unable to understand your perspective or can’t empathize with you, they can ask questions to better understand. When asking questions, let them know that it’s helpful to remain curious instead of defensive. A defensive question might look like “Why was my comment hurtful?” which puts you in a position where you try to give reasons for your position. A curious question might sound like “I’m curious and want to understand, what part of my comment was hurtful?” which helps keep your walls down and to be able to offer them more insight. Once they get a better understanding of your experience or feelings, then they can validate you. 

Ask me how you can support me

Sometimes we just need to vent, or maybe we want advice, other times we want their help, or maybe we could use a hug. Sometimes it’s helpful just to hear words of encouragement and other times maybe we just want them to sit with us in silence. The point is, you may need different things from your partner in different situations, this is normal. Let your partner know that the best way for them to know what you need is just to ask you. This allows you a chance to express your needs and keeps your partner from doing a guessing game.      

Follow through

Once your partner asks you what they can do to show their support and love for you, they can show you that they care by trying to do the thing you asked for. Let them know that it is okay if what you asked for challenges them and that they don’t respond perfectly.

Note for you: no one knows exactly how you feel except you, so keep in mind that they might not know exactly the “right” words to say or how exactly to meet your needs.

Your partner can create emotional safety with you when they give you their attention, acknowledge what you say, validate your feelings, and try to show you their support. Emotional safety is not made by responding perfectly, it is made when our partners provide us a space to be open and vulnerable in a way where we feel supported, respected and loved unconditionally. 

If you need help building emotional safety in your relationship or want more tips on ways to create emotional safety between you and your partner, reach out to us today or click the button below to schedule a free 15 minute phone consultation with our Intake Coordinator!

Have questions about couples counseling? Visit our FAQs page to find out more.

We offer online couples counseling in California and in-person marriage counseling services in Riverside, CA and in-person marriage therapy in Murrieta, CA!! It’s so important for you to find the right marriage counselor for you. Learn more about what’s unique about our couples therapists here.

THERAPIST SPOTLIGHT

Jackie Flietstra, AMFT

Jackie specializes in working with couples looking for guidance before getting married, couples that have been affected by infertility and grief, couples struggling to connect, and anyone experiencing a transition in their faith. She understand how difficult it can be to remain connected to your spouse when life throws you a curve ball.

Jackie offers in-person couples counseling and marriage therapy in Murrieta, CA and online couples counseling in California as well as premarital counseling in-person or virtually!

If you’re interested in regular couples counseling or solo relationship counseling, contact us! We offer online couples counseling in California and in-person marriage counseling services in Riverside, CA and in-person marriage therapy in Murrieta, CA!! It’s so important for you to find the right marriage counselor for you. Learn more about what’s unique about our couples therapists here.