Intimacy is more than just physical affection.

It's about a deep emotional and spiritual connection with another person. It's the feeling of being close and trusting someone with your innermost thoughts and feelings. Whether it's sharing a deep conversation, enjoying a shared experience, or simply holding hands, intimacy can take many forms.

But let's be real, intimacy can be tricky! Sometimes we feel vulnerable or anxious about opening up to another person. And even when we do feel comfortable, life can get in the way. Work, family, and other responsibilities can make it hard to find time for intimacy. But with effort and intentionality, it's possible to build and maintain intimacy in a relationship. And let's not forget the benefits - feeling close to our partner can help us feel more supported, happier, and fulfilled in our lives. So go ahead, cuddle up and get close - it's good for you!

If you're curious to learn more about what intimacy really means and how it can impact your relationship, keep reading for an interview with Erik “Mike” Sebourn, AMFT.

And if you and your partner are struggling to build intimacy in your relationship, don't wait any longer to seek the help you need. We offer couples therapy services in Riverside and Murrieta, as well as online couples counseling in California, can provide you with the tools and support necessary to improve your relationship and enhance your intimacy. Take the first step towards a healthier and happier relationship by scheduling a consultation today.

What do you consider to be intimacy in a relationship, and why is it important?

Intimacy is not just the euphemism of being sexual or the implication of sexual activity. This may be included, but does not usually begin here. Intimacy in a relationship is the physical, emotional, intellectual or spiritual connection in which one feels closeness and trust with others. Intimacy is important because it sets the conditional environment in which a close relationship can grow or be maintained. Essentially, intimacy is a, if not THE core of what makes a relationship important or relevant to you in your life. I don't think it gets mentioned much outside of "romantic" relationships, but it is true that all types of intimacy are interlaced within all relationships (family, friends, professional, platonic, religious) and depends on the mutual sharing of personal, inner worlds in some way.

How do you distinguish between physical intimacy and emotional intimacy, and how do they intersect in a healthy relationship?

Physical and emotional intimacy do overlap, think of a Venn Diagram, each having their own exclusive meanings as well as a correlated effect on each other. Physical intimacy might look like a stroke of the lover's cheek, wrestling with your kiddo on the living room floor, a hug shared with someone that you haven't seen in decades, or sexy time with your partner. Physical intimacy is what most people outside of you see and assume you have a significant connection with this person.

Emotional intimacy can be much more covert, mysterious and elusive, maybe because of the fact that we can't always see it from the outside. I believe we place less value on concepts that aren't easily "instagramable" and there may be some cultural and societal reasons why that I'll leave for the researchers.

Emotional intimacy is arguably just as important because it is more telling about if/how/why/when/ we share our inner worlds, perspectives and feelings.

A highly emotionally intimate set of friends will be much more willing to share potentially risky information with each other in confidence than just anyone on the street. Partners need this space to be with each other fully as well and it is common for this to go undeveloped in romantic relationships. The two concepts overlap in that they have a direct relationship with each other. As one increases, so does the other, and vice versa. Someone that you feel emotionally safe with will give you a higher degree of certainty that they will also accept some physical intimacy also.

How do you help couples with couples therapy in riverside who are struggling with intimacy issues, whether it's due to past trauma, communication breakdowns, or other factors?

Intimacy issues are tough because there has most likely been a rupture or multiple small injuries in the trust or safety that surrounds the couples ability to be vulnerable enough to become intimate again. The safety piece is HUGE in couples work.

Re-establishing an environment in which both partners feel safe to share their pain, loss or anger has to be recreated and maintained in order to restart this aspect of the relationship.

This cannot always happen at home when our relationship skills and abilities are not at a level in which to accomplish this. There are parallel processes happening in couples therapy that address and build both of these aspects so that one partner may perform a therapeutic "trust-fall" and start over.

What are some common misconceptions about intimacy in relationships, and how do you work to dispel them?

Most commonly, people misunderstand the breadth of what intimacy is and its necessity in all relationships and mainly put their focus and attention on the physical or sexual nature of it. Additionally, lots of people do not notice that focusing on physical intimacy that serves them in the immediate term while ignoring the importance of other types, become increasingly frustrated with their partners and their relationships when they are maybe experiencing more physical intimacy or sex, but still feel unheard, unseen, and unstimulated in all the other aspects of their relationship that require intimacy to thrive. Sometimes this looks like having more sex, but still feeling distant or disconnected.

How do you help couples build intimacy outside of the bedroom, through shared experiences, shared values, and other non-sexual ways?

So often, helping couples starts with providing psychoeducational information that helps them understand the nuances around intimacy, how our emotional and cognitive systems work together, or in contrast to one another.

Doing this sets a framework to then create an emotionally safe place to talk about and process emotional wounds or disconnections that have not been fully explored or healed. Helping couples by guiding them through the process, slowly, carefully and in a controlled manner is a great way to learn any new skill, including sharing ones inner world with their partner. Just because we are in a relationship with someone doesn't mean we relate well to them, these skills and abilities are learned and earned just like performing a sport or a new career path. Normalizing the fact that this is hard work and that we don't know what we don't know so that safety really needs to be accepting of feeling humility here. The intentionality is also a very large part of the couples therapy experience. To do this kind of work is one thing, but to do it together, collaboratively is a shared experience on its own.

I love the saying "struggle and emerge" and sometimes the outcomes are multiplied by the fact that we share that struggle.

At Inland Empire Couples Counseling we offer the best marriage counseling we can! Our couples therapists are trained in helping couples heal from infidelity, substance use in relationships, childhood trauma, communication skills, as well as providing the LGBTQIA+ community with pride counseling. We have online couples counseling in California. We have couples therapy in Riverside, CA. We also have marriage counseling in Murrieta CA or the Temecula Valley. Please reach out for help by clicking the button below to schedule a free 15 minute consultation with our Intake Coordinator.

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