You’ve been wanting a baby for years. You can’t wait to become a parent. You have so much love to give and you just know you’d be great at parenting. But getting pregnant just isn’t happening for you. It seems like everyone else can have children when they want and sometimes even when they don’t want. And it just doesn’t seem fair!

You might start to wonder what’s wrong with you (and/or your partner). You may find yourself questioning all your life choices trying to figure out what went “wrong”. It just doesn’t make sense.

Finding out news of infertility can feel like getting hit with a ton of bricks. And if finding out the news of infertility wasn’t painful enough, you can’t seem to stop comparing yourself and your situation to people around you who do have kids. So while trying to grieve your loss, you also feel left behind while everyone else moves on. You feel broken hearted and so alone. You might also feel alone inside your own relationship. Experiencing infertility has a way of pulling many couples apart.

You could be asking yourself “How can I handle this news of infertility and keep it from ruining my relationships including with my partner and my friends?” I’m Jackie; I have been there and know how to help. In this blog I will discuss 4 tips to help you grieve infertility.

1. Get to know and accept your feelings

Finding out news of infertility can lead a person to experience or feel grief. With grief you might experience feelings of denial, anger, sadness, insecurity, hopelessness and more. You may be thinking “I thought people only experience grief when a loved one has passed away”. But feelings of grief can come from any type of loss, not just the death of a living person. And if we look closely at infertility, you’ve been told that you do not have the ability to make a life - you have lost the dream of having your own biological child(ren). With a loss this big, it’s only human to feel a range of emotions. Therefore, get to know and feel your feelings in order to alleviate some pain from infertility. 

2. Communicate your feelings with your partner or a trusted person 

As mentioned above, one of the hardest things about dealing with infertility is the feeling of being alone or left behind as others move on and start their families. When we experience grief, we often isolate ourselves in our relationships with others, including our support systems and even with our partners. Talking with your partner or a trusted person about your feelings of grief is important as it helps us feel cared for, supported, and as if we are not carrying the heavy loss by ourselves. Just remember, no one can fully understand what you are feeling, except you. You can expect your people to listen, to try to understand, to show empathy and love, but don’t be mad if they don’t know exactly what you’re feeling. They aren’t living this in the same way you are. When sharing, you will want to communicate your feelings and your needs so that you give a chance for your partner or trusted person to empathize and support you in the way that you need.

3. Know your triggers

While trying to process the grief of infertility, it is key to know the things that will trigger or remind you of your loss. When you know your triggers, you are less likely to be caught off guard and can mentally or emotionally prepare for those feelings of grief to possibly resurface. Special events like baby showers, holidays, and pregnancy/new baby announcements on social media are some of the most common triggers as they may remind you of what you have lost. Please know that if an event or holiday is too triggering or painful to attend or celebrate, it is okay for you to say no or create a new tradition.  

If you’ve communicated your feelings to your loved ones, they should understand why you can’t attend an event and be willing to work with you to find other ways to connect or celebrate. Sometimes the people in our lives can be incredibly loving and understanding if we only tell them what we need. Tell your friends and family what you need. You might be amazed at how they show up for you.

4. Care for yourself

As you grieve, it is important to care for yourself. You will need healthy outlets for releasing some stress and giving you back some joy. Self-care will help you feel more empowered during a time where you feel like you have had your choice or dreams to start a family taken away from you. So exercise, journal, light a candle, take a hot bath, enjoy a snack, join a support group, or talk with your therapist. The key is to choose something that will nurture you and give you a space to let out those feelings. Self-care is literally taking care of yourself. So, even when it’s really bad make sure you’re doing the basics: eat, hydrate, sleep, move, rest.

Often when we are in the midst of our grief and it’s straining our relationships, it’s hard to find our way back to each other. I want you to know that infertility doesn’t have to be something that keeps you and your partner disconnected forever. You can find ways to love and trust and even be happy again. I want to help you heal.

If the grief of infertility is too much on your relationship and you need help reconnecting with your partner, contact us! We offer in-person couples counseling in Riverside, CA and in-person marriage therapy in Murrieta, CA as well as online couples counseling and online solo counseling in California.

If you are interested in learning more about the services we offer, visit our FAQs page to find out more or schedule a free consultation at the button below!

We offer online couples counseling in California and in-person marriage counseling services in Riverside, CA and in-person marriage therapy in Murrieta, CA!! It’s so important for you to find the right marriage counselor for you. Learn more about what’s unique about our couples therapists here.

Therapist Spotlight

Jackie Flietstra AMFT

Jackie specializes in working with couples that have been affected by infertility and grief, couples struggling to connect, and anyone experiencing a transition in their faith. She understand how difficult it can be to remain connected to your spouse when life throws you a curve ball.

Jackie offers in-person couples counseling and marriage therapy in Murrieta, CA and online couples counseling in California. If you’d like to book a session with Jackie you can click the button below or contact us here!