You probably never thought when you got married that you’d be here asking this question: is my marriage over? How will I know when it’s just done? You love(d) your partner. You wanted to build a life together. And things have become so hard. You just don’t know if you can keep doing this or even if you should keep trying. 

We’ve worked with hundreds of couples over the years. Many of the couples we’ve worked with have happily stayed together. And some have decided to separate. I’m sharing with you here some themes I’ve seen in those couples who separated to help you answer this question for yourself. 

When the work required to fix the problems isn’t work you want to do — Marriage Counseling in Temecula CA

I’m an optimist at heart. I tend to believe that the problems that exist in any relationship CAN be fixed if the two people involved both want that and are willing to do the work to fix them. It’s not always easy, but humans are incredibly creative and resilient, and I believe it’s possible to fix almost any relationship problem. 

With every couple that comes to our office, we do an assessment. [The Relationship Checkup] We will spend a few sessions and have you fill out some questionnaires getting to know you, your hopes, dreams, and problems. After understanding what you’re dealing with, we will lay out a plan for you to show you what work needs to be done to fix the problems in the relationship. 

It is a completely valid choice for you to look at the work that would be required of you and decide that you don’t want to do it. If you don’t want to put in the work, you’re probably ready to be done with the marriage. Either you or your partner can make this choice for yourselves.

When you have seen the reality of the situation and you cannot accept it — Online couples counseling in California

More than half of the problems that couples face in relationships don’t have solutions, they have workarounds or accommodations. One of you is tidier than the other, one of you is more of a spender and the other is more of a saver. One of you has a higher libido. One of you is a night owl and the other an early riser, one an introvert and one’s an extrovert.

There are things you just are never going to change about your partner. You can’t change their past, their health, their diagnosis, their kids or family. You are probably never going to change some of the ways that you and your partner are different. For many of these differences, the solution for a happy relationship is to accept the difference and work around it--accommodate. 

If you have seen the reality of your differences and living with those differences is something you just cannot accept or tolerate, you might be ready to end your relationship.

When the cons of staying outweigh the pros in a meaningful way — Marriage therapy in Riverside, Ca

No relationship is perfect and no partner is perfect, including you! In all our relationships there are pros and cons. Maybe your partner is a great parent but a terrible roommate--they just don’t clean up after themselves. Maybe they contribute financially, are great to live with, are very consistent but not very affectionate. Maybe they are tremendously affectionate but can’t keep a job. 

There are a million different combinations of pros and cons to living with and sharing a life with another person. And YOU get to decide whether the pros outweigh the cons for you. I’ve seen couples call it quits when I thought they had a lot going for them and other couples doggedly stay together when I thought they had every reason to break up. You get to decide for yourself when the costs of staying in the relationship are too big for you. 

When you’re ready for it to be over - Couples counseling in California

Finally, you might know that your marriage is over because you are ready for it to be over. Maybe you’ve done all you can do to fix the problems, or all you’re willing to do. Maybe you have accepted and accommodated. Maybe there’s more that could be done. But you know. You’re done. All the rest of the things on this list lead up to this. You know your marriage is over when you are ready for it to be over. 

But what if you’re not there yet or you’re not sure? Couples therapy can help

We can help you along this path. Many people come to us to help them identify problems in their relationships and to work on those problems. We do this every day. We can help you identify the pros and cons. We can help both you and your partner find the motivation to work on things and to accept your differences.

And we offer discernment counseling, that can help you decide whether you want to end the relationship, accept things as they are, or enter couples therapy to help fix your problems. 

Schedule your free phone consultation today to let us help you with the most important decision in your life.

Quality marriage counseling in Riverside CA, Temecula CA, and online couples counseling in California

At Inland Empire Couples Counseling we offer the best marriage counseling we can! Our couples therapists are trained in helping couples heal from infidelity, substance use in relationships, childhood trauma, communication skills, as well as providing the LGBTQIA+ community with pride counseling. We have online couples counseling in California. We have couples therapy in Riverside, CA. We also have marriage counseling in Murrieta CA or the Temecula Valley. Please reach out for help by clicking the button below to schedule a free 15 minute consultation with our Intake Coordinator.

Have questions about couples counseling? Visit our FAQs page to find out more.