7 common problems couples face around the holidays AND tips from a couples therapist on how to solve them!
The holidays are common times couple conflict flares up. We’re here to help you! In this post we’ll cover 7 common problems couples face around the holidays and give you tips for how to solve them.
1. You can't agree on where to celebrate
“My family or yours?”
“Didn’t we do Thanksgiving with your family last year? It’s my turn!”
“My husband wants to spend every holiday with his family! My inlaws control the holidays.
Have you ever said any of these things?
Maybe you have been thinking about hosting the holiday party this year, but are having flashbacks of holidays past: the yams on the floor, the kids are running around, finding spilt something on the couch. What a disaster that was!
It seemed like a good idea to bring the family together. But during that holiday disaster you might have felt you were the only one cleaning up, felt your partner did not care because they were just having a grand ol’ time, you probably felt disrespected, and maybe you were the one eating last.
Is this going to happen again? I think not.
If you felt any of these things listed previously I want you to consider conveying your concerns to your partner before the holiday celebration by using the following as a guide to help this conversation begin
Strategy: Talk about it!
Write down the facts from the previous holiday disaster (i.e., a family member spilled red wine on the white carpet and my partner did not help me clean it up)
Next to each fact list how it made you feel (make sure to only focus on your personal experience and feeling)
Use “I” statements to help piece this together (“I” statements are great to diffuse defensiveness in others. Learn more about “I” statements here.)
After each “I” statement, I suggest following it with an “I” need statement. Be clear of what you need from your partner so they know exactly what to do.
Warning: please do not use attacking language when recalling the previous holiday disaster. Remember, you want this conversation to get you somewhere. Once someone feels they are being attacked they will immediately shut-down and the conversation will end (or end up becoming an argument).
Strategy: Splitting the holidays
Splitting the holidays can be rough! The holiday movies of everyone being happy when it is split is #goals.
But, the #reality is that you will not satisfy everyone. I am 99% sure that someone will be guilt tripping you if you don’t choose to spend the entire holiday with them. With that being said, you and your partner should begin a conversation about how the holidays will be split. Your focus will be on what you and your partner ultimately want and not on what other family members are telling you to do. Make sure to:
Listen openly to each other with the intention of understanding and not debating
Compromise. Find a happy middle ground (i.e., split holiday day with breakfast being with your partner’s family while holiday dinner is with your family)
OR this year you spend it with your family while next year you spend it with your partner’s family
Keep track of where and with whom you spent the holiday with (life happens and our memories get blurred when the next holiday comes around and this may save you from an argument)
Remember: it is hard to listen to someone when your mind is already made up. Go into this conversation with an open mind.
Strategy: Dealing with upset family members
Dealing with disgruntled family members because they decided how you split your holiday was wrong? I get it. That is the worst. I know you are just trying your best to have a good time and celebrate with your partner. Here are some things you can do to help you and your partner.
Be on the same page as your partner. The more united you are on this issue, the better.
When family tries to guilt trip you or your partner remember to not voice that “this was all their idea” to try and alleviate the discomfort. This places your partner in a bad position.
If you’re feeling that you want to change plans, please let your partner know first. Do not talk about this with a family member before your partner. Why? Because this can feel like you are going behind their back after a mutual agreement was determined by you and your partner.
Remember: you’re allowed to say “No” even if they are family and you’re allowed to disengage from arguments.
2. Your partner doesn't get along with your family (or vice versa)
Your partner’s family is coming to town for the holidays. If your heart sank reading this, then this is for you.
During the holidays we hope to have mutual civility with our partner’s family, but this may be difficult to achieve when they are not fond of you or vice versa.
In this circumstance, I recommend setting pre-established boundaries with your partner before the holiday events. Boundaries help us recognize what is healthy or unhealthy behavior (and they keep us sane). If you’re not used to setting boundaries, it’s okay. You will feel uncomfortable, but boundaries are healthy.
Strategy: Set boundaries
What should you consider when creating boundaries?
How you and your partner talk about this family issue (i.e., do not use attacking, accusing, or malicious language)
How much time is allotted to spend with the family members
What happens when things get heated during interactions
What to do when you or your spouse is feeling extremely uncomfortable
Additionally, it is important to let your partner know how they can support you when your intention is to try and have some peace during the holidays. For instance, your partner may not know what to do when their family is saying uncomfortable things to you and you find that your spouse stays quiet. The more realistic and specific ways we list, the better your partner can help support you.
Reminder: These folks are your partner’s FAMILY. Yes, they may be difficult, but I am sure your partner feels torn feeling the pressure to try and make everyone happy. Be kind.
3. You're not on the same page when it comes to how much to spend on gifts per person
Giving a gift should be joyful and amazing. What could possibly go wrong? Well, not everyone is on the same page about gifts. You may have already experienced the following, someone complained because one person got a better gift than the other, the gifts were out of budget, or there are too many family members to buy gifts for. If this sounds familiar, then keep reading.
Pricey Gift Solutions
When children (or even family) ask for pricey gifts it is best to address this without them present. The intention of this conversation should include being open to understanding each other’s points of view and to help prevent possible betrayals if one parent says “no” to the gift but the other surprises the kids behind their partner’s back.
This may also help gain understanding about the budget. Perhaps, the kid’s birthday is coming up and your partner may want to put more money towards that item. We don’t know unless we make it a conversation.
Set A Budget
Mutually, set a budget ahead of time with your partner. I would also suggest to include your partner in on holiday shopping. This would mean that you may go together or shop online. But, before you purchase the items you should include your partner’s input. This may help prevent any arguments about cost or types of gifts.
Too Many Family Members
Be creative. Some solutions can include putting family member’s names in a fishbowl and everyone pulls a name at random to see who they are buying for.
Remember: gifts do not have to be costly items. Gifts can take any form.
4. Drinking that gets out of hand
“Overdrinking is a big problem this time of year. It’s not just the alcohol but also the bad behavior that can result from its misuse. Whether you or your partner struggle with alcohol or not, it’s wise to make a plan before heading out to any holiday function where it will be available about how much you two will drink and how you’ll get home.” ― therapist Kurt Smith
The holidays are coming up and you know what that means: alcohol. Some of you may be smiling while others probably had horrible flashbacks of holidays past. If your partner had some difficulties with alcohol last holiday then this is for you.
I suggest taking on the following tactics to address this effectively before the holiday celebration:
Use “I” statements. Do not shame or blame your partner or use attacking language. You want to make this a productive conversation.
Set a pre-established limit to alcohol use
Set a boundary when it comes to alcohol use
For example, if your partner over drinks it may be worthwhile to call it an early night and let go of what the full night would have looked like. Forcing yourself to stay and watch your partner intoxicated may cause a lot of emotional distress for you and you will not enjoy your holiday celebration.
Another possible example could be that one partner orders a ride service for the other to go home early while the other partner stays to enjoy the rest of the night.
Reminder: Do not have emotional or important conversations when the other person is intoxicated. This does not allow them the opportunity to think clearly about the topic and/or they may forget what was said altogether.
See me talk more about how to support a spouse with a drinking problem here.
5. Clashing holiday traditions
You should stay up all night and open gifts at midnight, because that’s just what you do, right?
We bake lots of cookies and watch sappy holiday movies, because that’s just what you do, right?
The holidays are all about the kids!
Or are the holidays about adult connecting and gatherings?
There are so many ways holiday traditions can clash and figuring out how to compromise with holidays is a BIG challenge for many couples.
Strategy: Talk it out
When we join our partners with their holiday traditions we can already assume things will not look the same. It is important to talk about these traditions with the intention to listen openly to each other to create understanding. You may not fully know the value your partner places on certain holiday traditions or the type of holidays they celebrate. In this type of conversation it is important to:
Remember your relationship with your partner. They are the person you want to be with and it is important that you get to know them better by understanding their holidays traditions and vice versa.
Let go of what holidays “should” look like (they never look like this anyway). You can have some of your wants, or course. But rigidly holding to all your “shoulds” will cause problems for you.
Withhold judgment and criticism when listening to your partner. You may disagree with some things and this is okay. But, we must do this in a respectful way
Find the compromisable and uncompromisable aspect of the traditions. And then work together to find a compromise for the holidays that works for everyone.
Remember: Compromise doesn’t mean that everyone gets everything they want nor does it mean that one person does all the sacrificing. Compromise means that both of you get some of what you want and both of you are willing to give so that your partner can have some of what they want. You do this because YOU LOVE EACH OTHER and want to see your partner enjoy traditions they love.
6. Dealing with toxic in-laws
The holidays are coming and your in-laws are coming to town. Don’t run and hide for cover.
Whether you are looking for ways you can distance yourself from in-laws or merely looking to set boundaries with toxic in-laws, there are some things you can do to help make this visit a little bit easier for yourself.
Ask your partner to listen to your concerns using “I” statements (Do not using attacking language about the in-laws)
Use your partner as your ally. Hopefully, if the relationship with the in-laws has been tumultuous your partner will understand and will want to support you.
Establish a game plan with your partner ahead of time so that they can support you when you are feeling uncomfortable. For example, establish a secret code work that signals you want to get a breath of fresh air outside. Sometimes our partners are willing to help but just don’t know HOW to do it
Know your personal limits. For example, if you find yourself becoming anxious during a conversation with your in-laws it may indicate that you need to step out of the room or take some deep intentional breaths to regain yourself. This may help prevent being curt or showing irritability.
Come up with some boundaries addressing their past behaviors. For example, your in-laws begin to bad mouth your partner, it is okay to let them know this is not okay and you will not partake in this type of conversation. It may also be beneficial to include your partner when you are creating your boundaries. This will help them understand your perspective and the importance of these boundaries.
Establish a check-in method with each other. Maybe every 40 minutes you send a text to each other to ask if you are okay. And, if you are not, then come up with some healthy solutions. Such as, leaving early, taking a walk outside, going to the bathroom to splash some water on your face etc.
Remember: your in-laws are your partner’s PARENTS. Yes, they can be difficult, but be kind in how you talk about them.
Navigating in-law relationships are some of the hardest challenges couples face. If you are struggling in this area, you are not alone! Any of our trained couples therapy specialists can help you navigate the specific details of your situation. If you’d like to schedule a consultation to see if one of our therapists is right for you, you can do so here.
7. Not spending enough time together for your relationship
In this day and age we are all busy bees. And this only gets worse as our schedules fill with holiday parties, celebrations, and traditions.
Who has the time to figure out how we can spend time with our partners? If we would like to stay with our partners, we must. Yes, life is super busy. I get that. But, with the small time you have you can make your partner feel loved and cared about. Sometimes we get used to the hustle and bustle and we assume our partners know we love them. This can be damaging.
Strategy: Nurture your relationship
It can be useful to:
Use your small period of free time to call your partner, message, or video chat them. Let them know at the beginning of the call how much time you can allot to them. This lets your partner know you care about them and also gives them a heads up just in case they were expecting a longer conversation.
Schedule date nights with your partner. It is critical that you prioritize the date. If we are not prioritizing the date it can be really easy to forget its importance and move it back to a different date in order to complete other tasks. This can leave partners feeling neglected, unimportant, or even unloved. If you absolutely need to push the date to a different date, please let your partner know ahead of time the best you can and the reasons behind this. (See our therapists talk more about the importance of date nights here.)
Catch your partner for some alone time. This may be having to wake up 20 minutes earlier with your partner to have conversations, share some coffee, or just cuddle. Remember, make the short periods of time you have with your partner quality time. This would mean to limit distractions, such as cell phone use or television.
Schedule some serious relationship investment time after the holidays. Sometimes we WANT to go to the parties, do the things for the kids, and see the extended family. Maintaining a healthy relationship doesn’t have to come at the expense of those things. If your relationship ends up being a little neglected during the holiday season, make sure to make time for nurturing it in January!
We are here to help!
If you got what you needed from these tips: Hooray! We’re happy to have helped you.
If you know you need more than a blog post to help with these holiday challenges for couples, consider giving the gift of relationship improvement. Schedule a time for a free phone consultation to see if one of our therapists is the right fit for helping your relationship improve.