Ask a couples therapist in Riverside CA: Relationship Goals
“What are some healthy relationship goals couples should set at the start of the year?”
Hello! I’m Rebecca, and I’ve been a couples therapist in Riverside CA for nearly 15 years. And I’m here to answer your relationship questions!
First off, I LOVE this question. It tells me that you care deeply about your relationship and that you are willing to put in some work (either big projects or maintenance work) to keep your relationship strong, healthy, and deeply connected. If we’ve got those basics in place, there’s a lot we can do to help your relationship!
Now I’ve got a few questions for you too:
Why are you setting goals for your relationship?
I think the answer to this question really matters. Maybe you are completely miserable with your partner, feel totally stuck, and have already tried marriage therapy with multiple couples therapists in Riverside CA and you don’t know what else to do. You want to set some goals for your relationship so you can pull yourselves out of this hole of misery you’re stuck in.
Or maybe you’re on the complete other end of the spectrum, you’re ridiculously happy with each other, and you want to set some goals to see if you can be even more in love, even more connected, even more blissful in your relationship.
If you’re in the pit of despair and trying to set goals to get you to total bliss, you’re in for a long road with lots of disappointment. Let’s help you set some realistic goals related to stopping or reducing arguments, taking care of yourselves, and managing the crises in your lives. But if you’re more on the happy side, we don’t want to be setting goals about how you argue, creating problems where they don’t exist.
Or maybe you’re a person who feels like they should set goals for their relationship but you’re not really sure why. In that case, it’s okay to acknowledge that you’re happy with how things are and leave it at that. Or maybe acknowledge that you’re happy with how things are and set a goal related to maintaining what you’ve got. We don’t always have to be striving and improving.
So start with getting really clear on why you’re setting these goals for your relationship.
What are your desires for your relationship?
What do you want to see changed or improved? What are you trying to accomplish with the goals that you are setting?
You might set a goal that says you want to go on a date night every week. That’s a fine goal, but why? What will a weekly date night do for your relationship?
If your goal isn’t connected to your desires or your why, it will lose meaning and you might lose motivation to complete the goal. If you’re going on a weekly date night because a blog told you to or you think that you should, you’re likely not very motivated to do it. But if you’re going on a weekly date night because you want to feel closer as a couple, you’re more likely to keep that a priority. And, the connection to the desire for the relationship will also help you determine how to achieve the goal. If you know that your goal is about connection, you might choose activities for your weekly date night that support the connection you’re trying to create. Taking a walk where you laugh and talk together then totally counts as your weekly date because it’s bringing you closer to the connection you’re looking for.
Does your partner share your goals?
In an ideal world you both want the same things and are united in how you want to accomplish your goals. But that’s not always the reality. Your partner might not want the same things you do. And when you and your partner don’t want the same things, I would question whether the goal you have is actually a relationship goal and whether you can achieve that goal on your own.
Let’s say you want to go on a two-week sailing trip and your partner hates the water. You really can’t say that “our” relationship goal is to do a two-week sailing trip. And if you really want to do the sailing trip, you could do it on your own. Often the things people say are their relationship goals are actually just things they want to do together. Even if your partner did want to do the sailing trip, that’s a thing to do together and not a goal to improve your relationship.
Look for things you both want FOR your relationship. And if you find that you and your partner don’t want the same things for your relationship, you might consider doing some couples therapy sessions to help you get on the same page.
Are you expecting you (or your partner) to become a completely new person?
Let’s do a quick check on those goals for your relationship. Do your goals presume that you and/or your partner are going to become completely different people? That’s not going to happen. Let’s readjust those goals to something more realistic.
Relationship Goal ideas from a couples therapist in Riverside CA
Now that you’ve answered my questions about your relationship goals, I want to give you some sample goals that are observable and also connected to a why.
Have more fun together: go on a date once a month where we try something new
Feel more connected to each other: 20 minutes each day where we’re talking with each other without distractions
Deepen the foundations of our relationship: Read Gottmans’ Eight Dates and complete the date and exercises in the book
Prioritize our relationship: go on a vacation together with no one else OR reserve our Holidays from work for just the two of us
Enjoy our intimacy more: read a book together (I recommend Come Together by Emily Nagoski) to help us learn more about how we each experience desire
Spice up our time in the bedroom: try something new once a month. No pressure, just for fun
Recover from our arguments more quickly: Use the Time-Out strategy and come back together to talk within 24 hours
Figure out how to stop having the same fights over and over: Book a Couples Therapy Retreat OR complete a series of Couples Therapy sessions.
I want to say again that I love that you are thinking about goals for your relationship. You care deeply about both you and your partner being satisfied, loved, and safe within your relationship. If you need more support than what we can offer in a blog post, please click the button below to schedule a free phone consultation to see if your couples therapy services are right for you.
Quality marriage counseling in Riverside CA, Temecula CA, and online couples counseling in California
At Inland Empire Couples Counseling we offer the best marriage counseling we can! Our couples therapists are trained in helping couples heal from infidelity, substance use in relationships, childhood trauma, communication skills, as well as providing the LGBTQIA+ community with pride counseling. We have online couples counseling in California. We have couples therapy in Riverside, CA. We also have marriage counseling in Murrieta CA or the Temecula Valley. Please reach out for help by clicking the button below to schedule a free 15 minute consultation with our Intake Coordinator.
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