What It Can Be Like For You When Your Spouse Quits Their Addiction
Read Part 1 for what to expect when you love someone who has an addiction!
Your partner finally committed to getting clean and sober. You are thrilled! You’ve been wanting this for so long and are expecting that now they will be available to you and your relationship will be everything you wanted. Because the problem drinking or drug use was the problem, right? So if we just stop that, we’ll be good.
And then you are confused and frustrated and maybe even devastated to find that there are still relationship problems. Your life used to revolve around your partner’s drinking or drug use and now it revolves around their recovery. You may be justifiably frustrated that you still don’t seem to be a priority in your partner’s life.
If your relationships is still struggling after your partner got into recovery, this is a signal that there are more layers to address besides someone quitting an addiction.
Below you’ll find some common complaints and experiences when a formerly addicted parter enters recovery. We hope to help you know you’re not alone and give you some ideas for how to face these challenges.
Feelings of loneliness
Many partners begin to feel lonely during this journey. There are many recovery groups that tell those in recovery to prioritize recovery over everything. This may emotionally be a painful experience when your partner chooses their AA meeting over a date night with you. Or, it even stirs up some of the lonely feelings that may have always been there before their recovery.
I don’t feel like they are the same person
You may be right. Especially, if you met when they were actively using or this is how you both lived life for awhile. Your partner may be confused as to who they themselves are as well. On the other hand, you may not be the same person either. You may hold certain feelings towards them even when they are no longer using their substance. You might be less patient, more reserved, or more angry than you were when the two of you met.
I don’t think they were that bad
We each may hold certain opinions of what “that bad” looks like.
I want you to keep in mind that if your partner feels that the substance was impeding them in any way (i.e., hangovers, sometimes waking up late for work, not feeling 100% when they should) then it was harming their overall well-being. You might have the experience of thinking the substance use or problem drinking wasn’t that bad and be wondering why this recovery thing is suddenly such a big deal. You might be confused or even resentful of how much time and energy it takes or the changes your partner is asking of you to support their recovery. This is normal too.
I am confused a lot of the time
Yes, this journey is a confusing process.
One day your partner may be all about recovery and the next you may find them using their substance again. It’s okay to not know the answers every day or what to do or how to fix it.
I am so used to being the “single parent”
Over the years together, trust may have eroded. If you have been the one to always pick up the kids and run the household because you had to do it when your spouse was under the influence, then it is normal to feel hesitancy when your partner is sober and wanting to pick up the responsibilities.
You might be so burnt out on changes that you find yourself unwilling to be patient with your partner thinking “this is just easier if I do it myself. I already know how to do it on my own” or “I don’t want to switch up our routines just to have to switch everything back if you go back to drinking/using.” Given what you’ve been through, it’s totally understandable you would feel this way. AND if you want to have real healing and recovery in your relationship, you’ll need to find a way to let your partner be part of the family again.
Read our blog Repairing Trust Issues in Your Relationship if you think the trust you had in your partner is gone and you need help rebuilding it.
Am I a relapse trigger for my partner?
What I mean by trigger here is the “thing” that stimulates someone to want to drink or use. Some people may have heard their partner call them their trigger. It is not you as a person. There may be certain relationship patterns, behaviors, or emotions your partner experiences that trigger them to want to use or drink. You may feel like you are walking on eggshells around your partner while they are in recovery.
It will not always feel or be this way.
Your partner may be in a position where they are learning how to manage their own thoughts/emotions with healthy coping skills instead of drinking or using. The key is that the two of you need to be talking about what those triggers are, how you’re coping, how you can learn new ways of interacting with each other that don’t lead to relapse. A good therapist who understands both addiction recovery and relationships can help you do this. You are also allowed to assert boundaries that keep you emotionally well.
I just want us to have fun like we used to
If you and your partner used substances to “have fun” and your partner is in recovery, then they will most likely not be able to have fun in this old way anymore.
This may elicit some feelings of rejection. You might also experience tendencies to push your now sober partner away or they push away from you because they may say, “you don’t get it.”
Read our blog 30 Date Night Ideas if you and your partner need help thinking of fun new things to do together!
Not all hope is lost.
There are support groups out there for spouses/loved ones to get to know what recovery is and to feel incorporated into the process or even resolve some confusion and gain some stable support with people who get it. Likewise, you can collaborate with your partner in understanding their recovery program and how to plan date nights around recovery meetings. Even individual therapy or couples therapy may help in understanding this new journey you are both embarking on.
Overall, you may be in a position to understand yourself and your partner all over again. This may also be an opportunity to re-make what you had into something better.
If you know you need help and aren’t sure about the future of your relationship, please reach out to us! Couples counseling can help you! We help couples every week deal with challenges just like this one. If you would like to work with one of our therapists, the first step is to schedule a free phone consultation. Click below to schedule!
Have questions about couples counseling? Visit our FAQs page to find out more!
We are now offering online couples counseling in California and in-person marriage counseling services in Riverside, CA; and online marriage counseling services in Temecula, CA!! It’s so important for you to find the right marriage counselor for you. Learn more about what’s unique about our couples therapists here.