Co-Parenting Communication Tips from a Couples Therapist in Riverside CA
When you decided to get divorced you might have had the fantasy that you wouldn’t have to deal with your ex anymore. You were fighting all the time. You couldn’t communicate or agree on important topics. You were relieved to think you’d be done with all that in a divorce. You might have been doing online couples therapy or marriage counseling in Riverside CA and thought you’d be done needing help when the marriage ended.
But you have kids together. And you still have to talk to each other to parent your kids.
I’ve been helping couples and families in the Inland Empire for the last 15 years. I’ve learned a lot about how families can do this well and where it can go awry. And I have some tips for you to help you with effective co-parenting communication.
What are some tips for effective co-parenting communication?
Keep it about the kids
When the two of you were married or coupled, you talked about a lot of different elements of your life, maybe you were even a couple who shared everything. But that’s changing now. Your primary relationship to each other now is about your children.
Especially at the beginning of your transition to being single, keep your communication about the children only. Don’t share your old hurts. Don’t lean on your former partner for emotional support. Don’t share your complaints about work or your extended family. You need time for strong boundaries and a real separation to occur. Once you’ve settled into your new life, you might both be open to having some level of friendship together. And you might not.
Communicate only about things that are related to caring for your children: medical appointments, changes to the schedule, parent conferences, birthday parties the children are invited to, etc.
Stick to the facts
Keep your communication focused on the needs of the children and stick to the facts. If your child needs to be picked up late from school because of an extra band or sports practice, share that information with your coparent and leave it at that. You don’t need to then also give suggestions for how your coparent will rearrange their day to be able to do the pickup. That’s an overstep and not your responsibility.
If you need to ask your coparent to swap days with you, just ask that. You don’t also need to go into how they owe you or how important the event is that you need to attend to try to convince them to say yes. Just stick to the facts. “Are you able to swap weekends with me?”
Don’t make assumptions
Sometimes our kids tell us things about what’s happening at the other parent’s house that don’t sound quite right to us. Don’t make assumptions, stick to the facts, and find out more.
This might look like “D said that he got hurt at your house and there was blood everywhere. Can you tell me more about that?” There could be a very logical explanation that your child bit their tongue and it bled a lot but no medical care was needed. This will go over way better than you coming in with “Why didn’t you tell me our child was injured? You’ve always been so irresponsible! He said there was blood everywhere and you didn’t even think to call me?”
Be clear in your requests
If you need a change in the schedule, be clear about your request. Are you asking for a swap of days or for the other parent to just have your kid for an extra night?
If your child has a dentist appointment that you can’t take them to, be clear that you are asking your coparent if they can. Don’t beat-around-the bush, hinting at how busy you are hoping your coparent will volunteer to help you. Just say “S has a dentist appointment on [date and time]. I can’t take off work at that time. Are you available to take her?” And if your coparent says no, respect that. You can call and reschedule the appointment.
Stay away from old resentments about the marriage
Do your very best to make a distinction between which issues are parent issues and which are spouse issues. Let the spouse issues rest. You don’t need to keep having those fights anymore. That’s why the marriage is over.
Don’t try to use your current coparenting conversations as a way to settle the score or set right things that weren’t working in the marriage. That’s really not fair to your children. They need you to show up for them as parents separate from your old complaints about one another.
If you’re having a hard time separating these things, ask yourself how this issue helps or hurts your kids. And if that’s not clear, please consider getting some therapy for coparenting.
Give each other time to think and respond
Sometimes it’s hard to figure out which issues are parent issues and which are leftover spouse issues. Or you may know this is a parent issue but the old spouse part of you is acting up and you’re feeling angry or resentful about the situation. The best thing you can do for each other and your children is to give yourselves time to think and respond.
So make your request or ask your question and then give your coparent a few days to think it over. If you’ve been asked something and you’re having a big reaction to it, you might say “Let me think about it and get back to you.”
Giving yourselves time to calm down, to sort out if this is old marriage stuff getting in the way, to carefully consider what’s actually going to help your kids have a stable life will pay off for you all in the long run.
Get support for your co-parenting communication with a therapist in Riverside CA
Quality marriage counseling in Riverside CA, Temecula CA, online couples counseling in California, and couples retreats in California
At Inland Empire Couples Counseling we offer the best marriage counseling we can! Our couples therapists are trained in helping couples heal from infidelity, substance use in relationships, childhood trauma, communication skills, as well as providing the LGBTQIA+ community with pride counseling. We have online couples counseling in California. We have couples therapy in Riverside, CA. We also have marriage counseling in Murrieta CA or the Temecula Valley. For a deeper experience focused on rejuvenation and reconnection, consider booking one of our couples retreats in California. Please reach out for help by clicking the button below to schedule a free 15 minute consultation with our Intake Coordinator.
Have questions about couples counseling? Visit our FAQs page to find out more.
