How Do You Emotionally Connect Again After a Disagreement with Your Partner? Ask a Couples Therapist in California

Couples Therapy in Riverside, CA: How to Rebuild Emotional Connection After a Disagreement?

There are many ways in which partners can build emotional connection, and there are plenty of great guidance practices out there for this, however, the one place so many client couples struggle is during and directly after a few rounds of conflict that has not gone well. The rub really gets revealed in a partner’s ability to emotionally regulate after a disagreement, either alone (autoregulation) or leveraging their partner (co-regulate) and if they can make the discernment between how one feels and what one's partner’s intentions were.

First key step: Self assessment and calming the self.

Find a way to use mindfulness to observe your own current state of arousal and return to a state that feels still and calm. Remind yourself that your partner is not your enemy, they may be struggling with their own set of emotions and reactions and that you have the same goals regarding emotional connection. Taking advantage of the lungs to breathe deeply and be in the moment.

Second key step: An olive branch with Online Couples Counseling in California

Test the waters to see if your partner is still heated and if not, don’t wait until they approach you to make an attempt at repair. Too often, clients are persuaded by fear of being vulnerable, and never make a move. Both partners doing this for a long period of time results in an emotional standoff that creates distance, assumptions and unnecessary emotional suffering. Be the hero in your own story and reach across to offer a bridge to the other side of this moment. If your partner is having trouble regulating themselves, give them an indicator that you come in peace and you're ready when they are.

Third key step: Shift the conversation.

Clients tend to see much more progress in building emotional safety, which leads to emotional connection by shifting the conversation away from the contextual problem (parenting issue, dishes not being done, who was right/wrong, what needs to happen next time, ect…) to the emotional experience of each partner. This means dropping the attempt to “solve” the problem or accepting blame to stop the argument and moving toward the quest to understand.

Statistically, most couples' issues will never reach agreement, but if you seek to understand, the process of learning and exploring each other's perspectives without criticism or solutions, solves the underlying issue on its own and the understanding allows you to accept each other's differences. Partners agreeing on something is great and super convenient, but they aren’t actually required for an emotionally connecting relationship. The development of emotional safety and emotional connection does require these three steps, self regulation, positive regard for your partner, and communicated interest in exploring them.

Three steps looks easy on paper, and even though it’s not a complicated process, it can be extremely difficult to execute when existing hurts and damaging patterns persist. If you and your partner have made attempts to follow these steps and hitting snag after snag, do your relationship a solid and just come see us. It’s what we do and it's what we know best.

Quality marriage counseling in Riverside CA, Temecula CA, online couples counseling in California, and couples retreats in California

At Inland Empire Couples Counseling we offer the best marriage counseling we can! Our couples therapists are trained in helping couples heal from infidelity, substance use in relationships, childhood trauma, communication skills, as well as providing the LGBTQIA+ community with pride counseling. We have online couples counseling in California. We have couples therapy in Riverside, CA. We also have marriage counseling in Murrieta CA or the Temecula Valley. For a deeper experience focused on rejuvenation and reconnection, consider booking one of our couples retreats in California. Please reach out for help by clicking the button below to schedule a free 15 minute consultation with our Intake Coordinator.

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