What To Discuss Before Marriage: Couples Counseling in Riverside, Ca

“I've been with my girlfriend for a year now and we're talking about marriage. What should we discuss before getting married?”

This is an amazing question, and one that requires a change from focusing on the content of the answers you receive onto the process in which we discuss it. There are many reasons why people stay away from conversations about marriage, kids, family, goals, hopes, and dreams early in their relationship. We’ve all been there, “What are we?”, “Is it too soon to have ‘the talk’?”. We don’t want to know things that may indicate that our partner wants something different from us because we are scared of what that might mean. Have the talk too soon and risk scaring them away, but wait too long and now we are too attached to them and what if they have very different views? The part about it that makes this such a tough conversation to have is that once we get some answers, we make the vital mistake of deciding to stay in the relationship despite the partners' differences in desires and goals hoping for them to change their minds and align with yours, which they may not. We also make the mistake of hearing our partner's wants and desires as they are now and shut ourselves off to the possibility that it might change in the future, and it does change, all the time.

Marriage Counseling in Temecula: Embracing Change and Ongoing Conversations

Considering that our desires and goals for the future, as well as theirs, are subject to change, trying to predict the future may not be the best course of action. So, instead of one and done, we need to continue to have these conversations all the time. Yes, I said it, the thing that was so hard to do that one time for fear of hearing something that doesn’t align, that conversation, feeling the fear of this and deciding to have this conversation every year or two knowing that things might be different is how a relationship stays pliable, open, honest, and resilient. Fear is what we do in almost any relationship scenario, and talking about marriage is no different.

Couples Counseling in California: Embracing Differences in Relationships

There is no rule written anywhere that I’ve ever witnessed that requires partners to be similar to one another for relationship success. Many partners make meaning out of their differences in a way that indicates that the more different we are, the less compatible we are, or we are “not meant to be together”, or some version of this that helps them rationalize their fears of putting work in and getting a “broken” relationship in the end. Yes, there is fear, yes, there is risk, but that is something that has always been the case in relationships, that is the same as it’s ever been, so you may want to explore with your partner what differences or what we call “otherness” means to you and your relationship.

Frequent Communication: The Key to a Successful Marriage

So to recap, the answer to the question of “What should we talk about before marriage?” is “YES, and often,” and “everything that is important to you.” Look, getting married is the easy part, anyone can sign some legal docs at the courthouse. Learning to be happy and maintaining that happiness no matter what shape your relationship takes, is difficult. Managing yourself and your relationship issues is where the rubber meets the road and that is why we do what we do. It's the meaningful stuff, the sweat equity, the things that don’t get posted on Instagram, that fuel the way forward for future goals. So whether you are looking to get married, check the boxes, create memories, have a connected, safe, intimate, meaningful relationship, then seeing a couples therapist sooner rather than later can 10x your ability to do all of these things and feel confident and competent in your decision, and hey, it’s also one more thing you did together that you can be proud of.

Quality marriage counseling in Riverside CA, Temecula CA, and online couples counseling in California

At Inland Empire Couples Counseling we offer the best marriage counseling we can! Our couples therapists are trained in helping couples heal from infidelity, substance use in relationships, childhood trauma, communication skills, as well as providing the LGBTQIA+ community with pride counseling. We have online couples counseling in California. We have couples therapy in Riverside, CA. We also have marriage counseling in Murrieta CA or the Temecula Valley. Please reach out for help by clicking the button below to schedule a free 15 minute consultation with our Intake Coordinator.

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