What does emotional intimacy look like in a healthy relationship? A couples therapist in Riverside CA answers.
Your partner keeps talking to you about emotional intimacy: they want to feel closer, they want you to open up, they keep asking why you’re distant. But the thing is, you don’t think you are distant. You feel really close to your partner. You try not to be a jerk about it, but you really don’t know what they’re talking about when they say they want more emotional intimacy with you.
This difference between you--that your partner wants to be closer and you are fine as things are--didn’t used to be a big deal. In fact, sometimes it was kind of nice to have them always wanting to be so close to you. But now this emotional intimacy thing is something the two of you seem to be arguing about all the time. It’s so bad now that your partner is talking about going to therapy. So here you are researching couples therapists in Riverside CA and wondering what the big deal is about emotional intimacy in relationships.
What is emotional intimacy?
Sometimes when people are talking about intimacy in relationships, they’re using the word “intimacy” as a euphemism for sex. That’s not what we’re talking about here. In relationships in general, intimacy refers to the state where we each see each other as we are (our good parts and our flaws) and accept each other as we are.
Emotional intimacy exists in a relationship when we can share all our feelings with each other, where all our feelings are welcomed with safety and acceptance.
If your partner is complaining about a lack of emotional intimacy, there could be several things happening that reduce the sense of emotional intimacy. Maybe it’s just one of these things or a combination of them.
Your partner wants to share their feelings with you. But there are certain feelings that you don't know how to handle or simply don’t want to hear about. There’s a lack of emotional intimacy because not all feelings are welcomed with safety and acceptance.
Your partner wants to share their feelings with you, and you are open to hearing them, but past negative or traumatic experiences block your partner from sharing even when they want to.
There are things about your life or inner world that you can’t or don’t want to share with your partner.
You’ve shared things with your partner in the past (or with a previous partner) and it didn’t go well. You’re not looking to repeat that experience, so you are careful about what you shared. It might not even be that you’re keeping secrets, but your partner can tell there is distance, that you don’t share everything you’re thinking and feeling.
You really don’t know what you’re feeling. And you’re not convinced that knowing your feelings and sharing about them is necessary.
I’m not here to try to convince you that you should want more emotional intimacy if you don’t. The reality is, every human needs some kind of connection with other humans. But we all have different preferences for how we want that connection to look and how much closeness feels good for you. If you start some couples therapy in Riverside CA to address the difference in emotional intimacy in your relationship, we will not start by telling you that you are wrong and need to change. We will work with you and your partner to understand what each of your different needs are and to find a way to work together with them so that you both are satisfied.
Why does emotional intimacy matter in relationships?
Knowing that we are accepted and belong to a group is a central human need. It’s how we find safety and how we survive as a species. We need each other. And we can have different levels of acceptance, connection, and safety with different relationships or in different groups of people. Often people feel more able to be themselves around friends than around their coworkers or in a group of strangers.
And many of us like to know that there is at least one place--one relationship--where we can be fully ourselves, where we don’t have to hide anything, where we have emotional intimacy. If your partner is asking you for more emotional intimacy, it means they want you to be that person for them. They are trying to be close to you. It’s an act of love to want to build emotional intimacy with you.
Emotional intimacy is often something that builds safety and trust in romantic relationships and something that is unique to romantic relationships. The level of emotional intimacy in your romantic relationship feels special because we don’t often share that same level of intimacy with others.
Finally, having strong emotional intimacy in your romantic partnership can actually help you cope better in other areas of your life. It doesn’t matter so much if you don’t feel fully accepted at work or if a friendship develops some distance, because you know you are safe and secure and accepted in your romantic relationship. We all need that safety somewhere.
How do we know if your relationship is strong in emotional intimacy?
Here are some signs that the emotional intimacy is strong in your relationship:
You don’t lie about or hide how you’re feeling
You have good emotional boundaries: you can tell what’s yours and about you and what’s your partner’s stuff to deal with.
What this actually looks like: if you’re upset about something at work, you know how to stop yourself from taking it out on your partner. Or if your partner is stressed about work and is a little distant, you don’t take it personally because you know their distance isn’t about something you did.
We don’t weaponize each other’s emotions
When your partner shares something with you in an emotionally intimate moment, you don’t bring that up later in a fight or to prove a point in an argument
You don’t worry that your partner will use your emotions against you
You each can listen to the other’s feelings without becoming overwhelmed, defensive, or taking their feelings personally.
You each allow the other to have their feelings. You don’t try to change or fix the feelings. You can allow them to exist.
You both can say yes to all of the above.
Sometimes (often even?) emotional intimacy in relationships only goes one way or is severely imbalanced. If you can say yes to all the things on the list above but your partner complains that you still don’t have good emotional intimacy, your relationship might be one-way in emotional intimacy. If this is you, don’t panic. There are ways to improve emotional intimacy in your relationship and correct the imbalance. We want you to be able to show up for your partner as much as they show up for you.
7 ways to improve emotional intimacy from a couples therapist in Riverside CA
Therapy
Remember that list from above? The list of what might be going on if emotional intimacy is missing or lacking in your relationship. Therapy can help with all of those things. And an experienced couples therapist in Riverside CA can help you figure out what’s missing, what needs to change, and how to work around your differences much quicker than you can do on your own. We literally do this for people every day. We can help.
Couples Therapy can be particularly helpful if you both want to connect more deeply but are stuck on the how.
Uninterrupted time together
That’s right. Put down your phones, leave work at work, get someone to watch the kids, and just spend time together. Go for a walk or a long drive. You could even tackle a house project together (as long as it’s not too complicated). Just spend time together in an environment that allows you to talk and share. You will feel closer.
Talking about feelings
No mincing words here. If you want more emotional intimacy, talking about your feelings is one of the best ways to do that. And this doesn’t just have to be hard or sad or angry feelings. Emotional intimacy is also developed through sharing joys, accomplishments, hopes for the future, happy memories, etc.
Validating feelings
What do we mean with “validating feelings”? It’s simply acceptance. Validating feelings doesn’t even require approval, just acceptance. You are saying to your partner “I see that you feel that way. I believe you that this is what you feel.” That’s it.
You don’t talk them out of their feelings. You just see them and accept them. Sometimes this step can be a little complicated at the start, but once you get the hang of it, it’s so easy.
Feeling in the presence of the partner
When you are sharing your feelings, are you talking about them in a distanced way? Or are you actually feeling the feeling in the moment? If you want more emotional intimacy, experiment with moving away from a narration about the situation or event and move toward experiencing the emotion. You will say a lot less. But you may also feel a lot closer to your partner.
Try not to change or fix the feelings
Trying to change or fix the feelings is an intimacy killer. While you might be coming from a good place (I can see my partner is hurting. I love them. I don’t want them to hurt. I will try to fix the hurt for them), trying to change or fix feelings often feels like rejection. Your partner might hear something like “you’re not allowed to feel hurt” even if that’s not what you meant to communicate.
Remember that one of the foundations of our description of intimacy is accepting the other as they are. This includes feelings. If I try to change or fix your feelings, I’m not accepting them (or you) in that moment. If you are filled with compassion and want to do something to help, here are some ideas that don’t kill intimacy:
Offer touch. “Can I give you a hug or hold your hand?”
Offer some kind of tangible support in the moment. “I want to support you. Can I get you a tissue or a glass of water?”
Say nothing. Just stay with your partner. If you need to say something, you could say “I’m right here with you. I’m listening.”
Ask permission before giving ideas. “I think I have an idea that might help this situation. Are you open to that right now? Or would you like me to just listen a while longer?”
Respect boundaries
This boils down to listen to your partner and believe them. If your partner says they don’t like when you tease them in front of your friends, listen and believe them. They don’t like it. Stop the teasing in front of your friends. If your partner says they don’t want you to share whatever they just told you with your family, listen and believe them. Don’t share it. You get the idea.
Couples Therapy Retreat
At Inland Empire Couples Counseling we offer weekend retreats for couples. It’s a special way for you and your partner to dig deep and make some important changes. Retreats are great is you don’t have the time for weekly couples therapy or if you don’t need therapy to solve big problems but want a special experience to get more deeply connected.
Improve the emotional intimacy in your relationship with couples counseling in Riverside CA
When you’re ready for some support to improve the emotional intimacy in your relationship, we’re here to help! Click the button below to schedule a free phone consultation with us!
Quality marriage counseling in Riverside CA, Temecula CA, and online couples counseling in California
At Inland Empire Couples Counseling we offer the best marriage counseling we can! Our couples therapists are trained in helping couples heal from infidelity, substance use in relationships, childhood trauma, communication skills, as well as providing the LGBTQIA+ community with pride counseling. We have online couples counseling in California. We have couples therapy in Riverside, CA. We also have marriage counseling in Murrieta CA or the Temecula Valley. Please reach out for help by clicking the button below to schedule a free 15 minute consultation with our Intake Coordinator.
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