How to Deal with Trust Issues and Insecurities in Relationships - 6 steps for repairing trust issues from a couples therapist
This post is the final in our series about trust issues in relationships. Our first post addressed what trust is and gave the story of a couple who healed their relationship trust issues, the second post went into more detail about how trust issues in relationships develop. And in this post we’re talking about how to heal and how to deal with trust issues and insecurities in relationships.
Sometimes identifying what the problems are is a challenge itself. For today we’re going to assume that you know your relationship has trust issues.
You have the same go-nowhere conversations, you keep going round and round with your partner, and the two of you just can’t get to a place where you both feel completely safe and secure in the relationship.
You’re never fully letting your guard down. Maybe you feel like you know a lot about your partner but there are still parts of themselves they just won’t let you see.
Your relationship has trust issues.
What do you do to heal trust issues and insecurities in your relationship?
Understand what the trust issues or insecurities are and where they came from
You CANNOT skip this step! None of the rest of the steps will work if you rush through or try to skip this one.
Both partners in the relationship need to have a deep understanding of where the trust issues or insecurities are coming from. This is a little easier if they are from incidents or relationships that happened before you two got together. If the trust issues developed from this relationship, doing the work of deep understanding will be harder and still vitally important.
This isn’t about blame or shame. It’s not rehashing all the old mistakes of one of you (or both of you). Understanding is an essential part of healing. If I’m going to build trust in you, I need you to know my tender parts so you’ll know how to be sensitive to them in the future. If I know that you know how badly I was hurt by something you did and I see that you understand my feelings, I can start to build hope that you won’t hurt me like that again. If the understanding is missing, I don’t have a hope of that. Your apology means nothing because I know you don’t know what you’re apologizing for. I really need you to see what went wrong so that we can not do it again. If we don’t really understand what went wrong, the problem could (and probably will) repeat.
Acknowledge feelings
After you understand what happened, acknowledge the feelings associated with that event or events. This can be pretty simple and is very powerful. Here are some examples of what that might look like:
“You felt judged and shamed by kids at school for how you dressed. That’s why you’re really sensitive to any comments about how you look. That makes sense to me.”
“You feel invisible when we spend time with my friends. It’s like I forget you exist because I’m so excited to see them. And that makes your anxiety worse.”
“I said I was going to support you in going on that trip with your friends. And then I complained to you about how hard it was on me and how you get all the good things. You felt confused and angry. That makes it hard to trust me when I say I’ll support you in something.”
“You felt embarrassed.”
“You were betrayed.”
“You were sad and angry.”
Apologize if needed
When you’re talking about trust issues or insecurities that happened before the two of you got together, there’s nothing for you to apologize for. You can still show some empathy and compassion for your partner with something like “I’m sorry that you went through that” or “I wish that didn’t happen to you” or “You didn’t deserve that kind of treatment.”
Apologies are NOT excuses or explanations or justifications. Don’t weaken your apology by giving excuses or justifications for why you did what you did. And don’t ruin it by reminding your partner of what they did wrong. (There’s a time for that if you need to go through this process again to focus on your hurt feelings. But when you’re apologizing and listening to your partner, this is about helping them.)
Apologies are about taking ownership for the impact of your actions. They aren’t about intentions. Even if you didn’t intend to hurt or disappoint your partner, you did. Your apology should take responsibility for the impact of your actions. Let’s look back at some examples from step 3 and add in an apology statement.
“You felt judged and shamed by kids at school for how you dressed. That’s why you’re really sensitive to any comments about how you look. That makes sense to me. I’m sorry you experienced that. You didn’t deserve it.”
“You feel invisible when we spend time with my friends. It’s like I forget you exist because I’m so excited to see them. And that makes your anxiety worse. I can see that I’ve been doing that to you for years. I wasn’t trying to make you feel that way, and yet I did. I am sorry.”
“I said I was going to support you in going on that trip with your friends. And then I complained to you about how hard it was on me and how you get all the good things. You felt confused and angry. That makes it hard to trust me when I say I’ll support you in something. I’m sorry I broke your trust in that way. I need to figure out how to support you better so that when I say I support you I can follow through on that. I want you to be able to believe what I say, and I’m sorry I haven’t lived up to that”
“You felt embarrassed. I’m sorry I embarrassed you.”
“You were sad and angry. I can see that my actions reminded you of old situations. I am sorry that you had to relive those old painful memories.”
CAUTION: Do not offer apologies you don’t mean. Your partner will be able to tell that you’re insincere and this will worsen the trust issues in your relationship. If you think their description of your behavior is wrong or you don’t think you made a mistake, don’t apologize insincerely just because it’s what you think you’re supposed to do or it’s what your partner expects of you. Remember, the apology is about taking ownership of the impact of your actions. So, if you can’t agree completely with your partner’s description of the wrong, you can still understand them, acknowledge their feelings, and take ownership of what you feel you honestly can. Sometimes all we can honestly take ownership of is something like “I’m sorry we got into a fight about this” or “I’m sorry I was impatient” or “I didn’t listen to you when you really needed to be heard.” Say that then! It’s better than offering an insincere apology.
Do the things that build and maintain trust
Go back to our list on what destroys trust, and do the opposite.
In essence, follow through, be honest in your words, don’t hide things, and apologize when you were wrong, made a mistake, or misunderstood something
Be clear about your relationship contracts. Talk to each other about what you expect from each other. Don’t overpromise. And then follow through on what you said you would do.
Monogamous couples (especially heterosexual monogamous couples) can learn a lot from the polyamorous community on this topic. In open or polyamorous relationships, they HAVE to talk very openly about what is and is not okay, where their boundaries are. These open conversations build trust. Having sex with another person might not destroy trust and isn’t considered cheating if the couple has agreed in advance that this is okay. Having sex with another person when you’re in a monogamous relationship IS a trust destroyer because that action goes against the terms of the relationship contract.
If your partner wants to spend every weekend together and you know you need 2 weekends each month to do your own thing or get together with your friends, don’t agree to be there every weekend for your partner! Tell them “I love that you want us to spend time together. And for me to be my best self, I also need time alone and time with friends. I can promise that I will spend 2 weekends each month just with you.” It is MUCH better for building trust in your relationship for you to say you can give 2 weekends and then show up consistently for 2 weekends than if you promise all 4 weekends and can’t stick to it.
Don’t do the things that break trust
In short those are things that break the relationship contract
You also break trust when you over promise and under deliver - this is the most subtly insidious eroder of trust in relationships
Don’t lie
Don’t use things said to you in a tender moment as a weapon in a fight
Choose to let trust build
Your partner can do all the right things and it can still not be enough to fix the trust issues in your relationship if you don’t allow the trust to build. This requires some vulnerability and risk. And we hope that the risk feels worth it because of the closeness and connection you will gain.
Sometimes people are so hurt they don’t want to let trust build. It doesn’t feel safe. Usually when we see this in our clients, it’s because the couple has skipped too quickly through the first 3 steps. The hurt person CAN’T let trust build because they don’t feel understood, they don’t have the confidence that their partner understands what went wrong so that they can feel secure in it not happening again.
Trust in relationships isn’t all or nothing. It builds slowly and in small steps. We don’t want you to feel unsafe because you trusted too quickly and then got your heart broken again. So when your partner offers an apology and takes some steps to rebuild trust, you can choose to trust them a little more. Give yourself (or give your partner) the space and patience to allow this natural process to unfold. You’ll notice over time that you feel more relaxed, that trusting your partner doesn’t feel like such a risk anymore because you have lived the experience of them showing up for you. You might even get to a point where you would say the trust issues in your relationship are healed! And wouldn’t that be great!
I’ve laid out for you here the 6 basic steps for how to deal with trust issues and insecurities in your relationship. They are the basic steps, but that doesn’t mean they are easy steps. If you read these steps and felt hopeful and excited to share them with your partner, please do!
If you read these steps and felt discouraged because you’ve tried some of this before or you don’t think you and your partner are capable of doing these things on your own because it’s just too painful or gets too messy, please reach out for help. Our trained couples therapists know how to help you through the process of rebuilding trust in your relationship. We know how to set the right environment for these conversations to go well. We know how to help you slow down so that you can really see and connect with each other.
And these aren’t just more empty words and promises. Our therapists help couples through this process every week. We know how to help deal with trust issues in relationships!
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Here are some of our favorite posts:
How to bring up complaints to your partner (one of the MOST important relationship skills)
What does quality mental health care look like (just like doctors, not all therapists are great. Here’s how to know you have a good one for you.)
How to preserve your relationship in an argument by calling a time-out (Just like in a sporting event, sometimes we need to call a TO, step off the field, and catch our breath so we can come back to our partners and work as a team again.)
Or check out our amazing services:
At Inland Empire Couples Counseling we offer the best marriage counseling we can! Our couples therapists are trained in helping couples heal from infidelity, substance use in relationships, childhood trauma, and communication skills. We have online couples counseling in California. We have couples therapists in Riverside, CA. We also have marriage counseling in Temecula CA. Please reach out for help.