How to Have a Relationship Check-In With Your Partner
Relationship and wellness experts always tout the importance of checking in with your partner. For parents this is even more crucial because schedules are more hectic and time for one-on-one face-to-face conversation is often rare. But what does this check-in look like, and what are some ways to make it worthwhile? It's way more than a quick "how are you doing?"
Keep reading to find out in depth what a check-in is and why it’s important to the strength of a relationship, the keys to making a check-in work, and some suggestions for questions to ask during it.
In this day and age we are all busy. Most of the time we are probably running on caffeine just to stay awake while we come home from work. It’s easy to slip into this as a routine and like many of us, forget the important things in life. When we take on more roles and responsibilities, we tend to put our relationship on the backburner. Anyone will say, “the kids come first” or “we need to make sure we have bread on the table.” Great, but then our partner is left hanging.
We don’t stop the role of lover or partner just because we become parents or a CEO of a corporation.
Let’s put an end to this by doing relationship “check-ins.”
What is a relationship check-in? Good question! It is a time that is scheduled in your busy lives where both partners are able to meet and essentially reconnect on a weekly or monthly basis. It is a prioritized time where it's just the two of you being brave and open to hearing feedback.
Also, it's a safe space reserved for honesty with the intent of making sure we are emotionally showing up in the relationship for each other. Not to mention, it helps your partner see you are genuinely interested in making your relationship work with them and that you still care about them. A relationship check-in should include the stuff that really matters to you both and can be as unique as you want it to be.
If you need some guidance see the following for examples:
Love and appreciation
Respectfully, address if both of you have been expressing love and appreciation towards each other and how you can improve if it needs improvement. The more specific the better.
Remember, the way you view love & appreciation may be different than how your partner views this.
Notice how being more specific feels different with these examples:
Thanks for all you do.
I really appreciate how I never have to think about whether I have clean clothes because you take care of the laundry.
You know I love you, right?
I’ve noticed that when I come home from work stressed you give me time to sit quietly before you start talking to me. I love you sensitivity to me in those moments. It really makes me feel seen and appreciated by you.
Intimacy
This can include non-sexual and sexual behaviors. Make sure to clarify when addressing how well this has been going or if it needs improvement. Please be specific in how this can be improved. Our partner can’t improve if they don’t know how. Be sure to discuss things that get in the way of intimacy as well as the things that promote intimacy in your relationship.
Date nights
Address if this has been happening, how it has been going, if this needs improvement, or if this needs to start happening. Read 5 Tips for Better Date Nights and 30 Date Night Ideas for ideas!
Goals
Ask each other what your goals are for the week or the month or the next year. And, how can we help get us there if we can help at all.
Support
It may be worthwhile to see how supportive we have been to our partner. Our partner may be a CEO and needs some extra support by making their coffee in the mornings or our partner is a stay-at-home parent who needs support by helping with bedtime routines.
Communication
Address how well you both have been sharing your thoughts or feelings throughout this week or month. And, how this can improve or share positives about how well it has been. Remember, the more specific the better. Read Communicating Wants & Needs, Using I Statements, and Rules for Fair Fighting for help communicating with your partner!
Emotional attention
Make sure to talk about how you have both been holding up emotionally this day or week or month. You or your partner may not have had a chance to really reconnect with emotions because lots of things demand immediate attention (i.e., kids, work, school).
Reminder: Check-ins only happen if it is scheduled and made a priority.
If you absolutely must reschedule that 1 important time you have together this week for your check-in then openly communicate when the next check-in will be with your partner and make it happen. The more we keep putting it off the more likely it will not happen.
If you feel like you and your partner aren’t able to have these check-ins on your own, then couples counseling can help you! We help couples every week deal with this challenge. At Inland Empire Couples Counseling we know the steps to help your relationship thrive from these conversations. If you would like to work with one of our therapists, the first step is to schedule a free phone consultation. Click below to schedule!
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