How To Get On The Same Intimacy Page with Your Partner: Couples Counseling in Riverside, Ca
“It never feels like my husband and I are on the same page when it comes to intimacy. How do we compromise?”
Intimacy is more complex than just sex, and sex is more than just intercourse. Of course, the rabbit hole goes deeper; we’re therapists, and complexity and nuance are a big part of how we explore with clients. If you want to know what makes you and your partner tick, you will probably want to explore that with us, but for simplicity's sake, let's just take a peek for now.
The four main types of intimacy that become relevant in relationships are physical (i.e., sex, touch, spooning), emotional (i.e., feeling safe to share our inner world, feeling like we matter to another), intellectual (i.e., exchanging ideas, opinions, and perspectives and being met with meaningful feedback), and spiritual (i.e., bonding in sharing dreams, values, and beliefs). Being able to identify what type of intimacy you are referring to when discussing this with your partner is the first step to getting on the same page and creating a better understanding between you. Questions like “What does intimacy mean to you?” may get you closer to accessing a deeper level, and the added bonus here is that the conversation about intimacy can actually establish more emotional intimacy and create the potential for more of the other types. Pretty neat, huh?
Marriage Counseling in Temecula: Addressing Different Intimacy Needs
It's often the case that when couples are having problems discussing intimacy, it’s because they have different ideas or definitions of what they “mean” by the term. I also see very often that a partner's narrow ideas of what intimacy “has to be” to be a valid form of intimacy for them (i.e., “sex is the only way I experience intimacy” or “you aren’t hearing me, and that means you don’t care”) lead to a subsequently narrow availability of solutions to the problem. This is particularly important when it comes to differences in libido. It isn’t that sex is “more” or “less” important to your partner; it's that sexual desire functions by different mechanisms in different people. It’s why the question “What turns you on?” is so helpful. We innately know there is a good chance that this someone has a different path to sexual desire than we do, especially across the gender spectrum. Intimacy to a man and intimacy to a woman look different for many reasons (socialization, biological, psychological) and typically fall into a default pattern. Initially, intimacy for a man tends to default in the direction of physical intimacy and, for a woman, toward emotional intimacy.
Couples Therapy in Riverside: Identifying the Root Causes
Lack of sex in a romantic relationship seems to be the first noticed symptom in couples that seek treatment, but a symptom is not the same as a cause. Exploring what is needed for intimacy to exist has to be a part of the equation. For relationship systems to thrive, there need to be some main ingredients that create the “recipe” for intimacy of any and all types to bake well. For any one of the four types to shine, we need two parts safety, one part trust, all whisked together in a large bowl of calm. Not too many people have the capacity for intimacy when they are upset and on guard. The toughest part of getting these ingredients together is that couples need to take risks in being vulnerable and experiencing a small amount of intimacy to start the fire.
Couples Counseling in California: Overcoming Barriers to Intimacy
Things that keep clients away from even attempting to get in the kitchen—like fear, anxiousness, anger, pain, and disgust—all serve to distance us from trying. It's okay; that's a strategy to avoid more immediate pain and can be helpful, but not a great one for long-term relationship success. The kindling that is necessary to start the fire is where we as couples therapists come in. Our first task is providing safety, trust, and guidance in order to get the ball rolling. The decision to come and see us is a tough one, but if you find yourself reluctant to reach out to your partner to discuss intimacy issues of any kind, it may mean you need that safety, trust, and guidance to re-light the flame, understand the recipe, and “start cooking with fire.”
Quality marriage counseling in Riverside CA, Temecula CA, and online couples counseling in California
At Inland Empire Couples Counseling we offer the best marriage counseling we can! Our couples therapists are trained in helping couples heal from infidelity, substance use in relationships, childhood trauma, communication skills, as well as providing the LGBTQIA+ community with pride counseling. We have online couples counseling in California. We have couples therapy in Riverside, CA. We also have marriage counseling in Murrieta CA or the Temecula Valley. Please reach out for help by clicking the button below to schedule a free 15 minute consultation with our Intake Coordinator.
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