How do I navigate dating again after divorce? 8 Tips from a couples therapist in Riverside
Your old relationship is over and you’re ready (you think?) to start dating again. You know you don’t want a repeat of your marriage, or at least parts of it. You might wonder if you know how to choose a good person for you or if your “type” is toxic. You might feel insecure about your sexual experience or ability to date online if you’ve never done that before. I can’t answer all your questions in one post, but I can give you some things to think about as you navigate dating again after your divorce.
Do your own work
It is so easy for us to look at the wreckage of the old marriage and think that all the problems were the other person’s fault. This is just human nature. It’s so much easier to see another person’s faults than our own.
It is your job to work on your contributions to the unhealthy dynamics in the old marriage, even if your part was only 5% and the other party was 95% of the problem. You have to work on your 5%. Maybe you didn’t speak up for your needs, maybe you ignored things that weren’t working for you for too long, maybe you shut down when things got hard or ignored your partner’s needs. Whatever it is, do your own work.
If you don’t do your own work on yourself, you will bring those unresolved issues into your new relationships.
Identify what you want: What are your green flags?
Do you know what you are looking for in a partner? I encourage you to think beyond physical characteristics. It can be hard to tell that you’ve found what you’re looking for if you haven’t identified the characteristics you want in a partner.
Here are some things to think about when identifying your wants
How the person handles conflict
How they show love
How they want to be loved
How much alone time versus together time feels good to you both
How often they want to have sex and what kind
What type of relationship are they looking for (casual, committed, monogamous, open) and does that align with what you want
What they like to do for fun
How they like to relax
How they manage money
If your values align
If they have kids or want kids
How tidy or messy they are
How spontaneous or well-planned they are
Are they an early bird or a night owl
Do they want to travel on the weekends or stay home
I could go on and on. It’s important for you to get clear on what you want first. Some of the things on this list might be irrelevant if you know you’re looking for something casual, a safe and fun person to be intimate with. Other things might become very important if you know you are looking to get married again.
Identify what you don’t want or won’t tolerate: What are your red flags?
Similar to above, do you know what things are deal-breakers for you? There may be some things that you know you just can’t tolerate. Okay. That’s great! Be clear about what those things are and know you will not pursue connections or relationships with people who have those qualities. Again, I encourage you to think beyond physical traits.
Read through the list from the last section again to get you started on your list of things you don’t want.
Identify your weaknesses or vulnerabilities
Do you know you’re likely to say yes when you really want to say no? Maybe you know you’re quick to judge or quick to sleep with someone and then later regret it?
Identify what your weaknesses and vulnerabilities are in relationships and then make a plan to account for them so that you can get out of your own way. When I was dating in my twenties, I noticed that I couldn’t say no when someone asked for a second date. I’d be committed to something I didn’t want to do. I made a rule for myself that I wouldn’t say yes to a second date while I was still on a first date. I needed time to think about whether I enjoyed myself enough to want to go out again and to not feel the pressure to just say yes. One person really liked and respected that and just called me the next day to ask me out again. Another person was pretty upset by my rule for myself, and I could see clearly they had a hard time with boundaries and being told no. I didn’t go out with that person again.
Decide your divorce narrative
How do you want to talk about your divorce? Deciding in advance can save you the anxiety of not knowing what to say and the embarrassment of saying something you regret.
Decide what you want to share about your divorce. Get it down to 1-2 sentences. And practice until it feels comfortable to say out loud. Then you can confidently say something like
“We found after lots of trying that we just weren’t compatible and decided to split up before we hated each other”
Instead of a lengthy 10 minute backstory on the exact reasons of the incompatibility and all your bitterness and sadness.
Don’t make everything about your ex
It is so, so easy to compare every new person to your ex in good ways or bad ways. Notice when you do it, and then make the mental shift to allow this person to be their own person. There are things that will remind you of your former partner--that doesn’t always have to be a bad thing, it can be neutral or even good sometimes. Just let it be. And get to know the person you are with as their own person.
And try to steer your conversation or stories away from always being about your former partner. That indicates to a new person that you’re not really over your ex. And no one wants to enter into a relationship in which they are being constantly compared to someone else.
Be upfront about your kids if you have them
You might worry that someone won’t want to be with you if you have kids. That might be true. And hiding the fact that you have kids won’t help that situation.
If you have kids, please be cautious about how quickly you introduce them to someone you are dating. The book The Stepfamily Handbook has some really great suggestions about how to handle dating as a parent.
The only exception to this might be if you are only looking for an intimate connection. Still, I lean toward honesty. So you could say something like “Yes, I have kids, but they won’t be home when you come over” or “I have kids so we can’t meet at my house. I don’t plan on you ever needing to meet them.”
Let good things happen
It’s okay to enjoy yourself. It’s okay to have fun dating, to like being pursued, to enjoy meeting someone new and all the fun feelings that come with that.
“When life starts to get good again, you should allow it. You don’t have to stay loyal to your suffering like it’s a badge of honor. You can simply let the good things happen.”
It’s hard and our expert therapists in Temecula CA and Riverside CA are here to help!
This list of 8 things sound all nice and good reading them on your screen, but they are much harder to do in person, especially if your last relationship ended in heartbreak, betrayal, and/or trauma. You don’t have to do it alone. We can help you rebuild while you’re single and dating and we can help you ensure your next relationship starts off on the right foot.
Quality marriage counseling in Riverside CA, Temecula CA, and online couples counseling in California
At Inland Empire Couples Counseling we offer the best marriage counseling we can! Our couples therapists are trained in helping couples heal from infidelity, substance use in relationships, childhood trauma, communication skills, as well as providing the LGBTQIA+ community with pride counseling. We have online couples counseling in California. We have couples therapy in Riverside, CA. We also have marriage counseling in Murrieta CA or the Temecula Valley. Please reach out for help by clicking the button below to schedule a free 15 minute consultation with our Intake Coordinator.
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