Understanding Intimacy: The Importance of Vulnerability in Couples Therapy Riverside
How couples therapy can help build intimacy in your relationship.
You’re partnered but you’re lonely. It seems like something is missing. You can’t quite put your finger on what’s “wrong” in the relationship, but you don’t feel close. You thought you’d have more safety, more connection. You know each other but you don’t really KNOW each other.
If you are reading this blog I would assume that you have some experience with this type of frustration and may be interested in trying to gain some insight on what intimacy really is. Well, good for you for being curious and interested in learning more because those are the exact qualities one must tap into to create intimacy in the first place!
Intimacy is the closeness that unites a couple in its safest and most physically, emotionally, intellectually and spiritually available forms. Intimacy is crucial to a couple’s relational success and is an important aspect in which to focus your time and energy. So often, I work with distressed couples that come into my office that have very general complaints about their relationship that seem to center on a need for “better communication.”
While this might be true, it is very common that when we get down to brass tacks, what we discover about ourselves is that “I don’t feel seen, heard or understood by my partner, and it’s very lonely here where I sit.”
Now, you might be asking “but Mike, if I’m with my partner every day, how is it that I can feel lonely,” and I would encourage you to keep asking these types of questions because they are so wonderfully exploratory. This is when I might implicate vulnerability, or the lack thereof, as a keystone in answering this question.
If you and your partner are experiencing a lack of intimacy and vulnerability in your relationship, reach out to us today for help! We offer in-person couples therapy in Riverside Ca, in-person marriage therapy in Murrieta Ca, and online couples counseling in California!
What is Vulnerability? And how can couples therapy in Riverside help?
The term “vulnerability” is one that has a pretty negative connotation, and honestly, some invoke fear directly. For example, just a quick Google search brought me these gems: “openness or susceptibility to attack”, “capable of being physically or emotionally wounded” and “the state of being open to injury, or appearing as if you are”.
Let’s look at vulnerability as a risk vs. reward scenario where they are directly related.
By this I mean the more risk we assume the more reward we can expect to experience.
We tend to give new partners the benefit of the doubt when it comes to trust and everything is so new that we are super curious about them. We attune to them well and this helps us form a great bond to one another. We risk much by choosing to be vulnerable and this provides us with a beautifully blooming relationship, friendship or partnership.
Everything is new and exciting so we don’t think too much about the possibility that we are “susceptible to attack”.
If you are connecting some dots between curiosity, intimacy, vulnerability, fear and loneliness here I commend you because there are many moving pieces in this machine. Let’s tie it all together, shall we?
Why is Vulnerability Important?
Over time, as partners in relationship to one another, it is inevitable that we accumulate small (or sometimes large) emotional injuries that do not always get fully processed.
These emotional injuries, sometimes referred to as relational traumas, can be disregarded or passed over as something that time might heal or you justify in a way that says “just get over it.”
This starts to erode the emotional safety that we assume our relationship should have, and with a lack of safety comes the idea that maybe, just maybe, vulnerability IS the scary thing we make it out to be.
Therefore, overtly or covertly, we stop taking that risk and begin to start to lose sight of the immense reward of closeness and safety it brings. This process ends up leaving us feeling lonely, regardless of how much time we spend around our partner.
If you have been stuck in this feeling for some time, you have probably noticed that it has negative implications on all areas of your life that include, great sex, stimulating conversation, spiritual connectedness, joint social engagement and the list continues.
So, if this cascade of events feels familiar to you in your current relationship or is a common theme in all of them, what are you supposed to do about it? Seeking couples therapy from a relationship expert and processing these emotional injuries in a space that is made safe is crucial in rebuilding a sense of safety in your relationship. It always starts with safety, and within this environment we build tactfully toward trusting each other to hold us in our most vulnerable states and that we reclaim the rewards that connect us as loving partners, friends and companions.
Read our blog 5 Steps to Get Emotional Safety in Your Relationship and Emotional Safety: Hold Me Tight (or give me space?) for help building emotional safety in your relationship so you both can feel comfortable being vulnerable.
At Inland Empire Couples Counseling we offer the best marriage counseling we can! Our couples therapists are trained in helping couples heal from infidelity, substance use in relationships, childhood trauma, communication skills, as well as providing the LGBTQIA+ community with pride counseling. We have online couples counseling in California. We have couples therapy in Riverside, CA. We also have marriage counseling in Murrieta CA or the Temecula Valley. Please reach out for help by clicking the button below to schedule a free 15 minute consultation with our Intake Coordinator.
Have questions about couples counseling? Visit our FAQs page to find out more.
