What to Do When Your Boyfriend Cheats on You But You Still Love Him
Read our blog on “Does Couples Counseling Work For Cheating?” (Spoiler: It does.)
Your brain may be telling you to run but your heart tells you to stay. No one else may understand why you still love this person except you. That's okay. They don’t need to understand.
You are totally normal for still loving your partner after cheating happened. Relationships are complex and human emotions can be messy. I want you to have some clarity and information to help you better navigate these murky waters. Keep reading for my tips on what to do when your boyfriend (or partner) cheats on you but you still love him.
Create a plan for self-care
You have probably been beating yourself up. Maybe even asking yourself, “how did I not know?” or “wasn’t I good enough?” I highly recommend having patience with yourself and reminding yourself that you are good enough and worthy of being loved.
Start doing the things you enjoy and help you emotionally process what you’ve been through. Sometimes a day at the dog park to just sit and cry is needed or scaling back on your workload to stay home. I even advocate for you to have an individual therapist to help you recover from infidelity. The therapist can provide that space you need for emotional healing and act as a reminder to take care of yourself during this hard time.
Consider the pros and cons of being in the relationship
After being hurt, I want you to make sure you are considering this relationship with your eyes wide open. This means you may feel uncomfortable with some truths about the relationship that have been there all along. Take your time weighing the pros or benefits of being in the relationship and the cons or consequences of being in the relationship. This can be helpful in letting you know if you should even continue investing your time and energy into this person.
Therapy can be especially useful for helping you with this examination process. And if your partner is willing, we offer a special type of couples counseling called Discernment Counseling which is designed to help you and your partner decide whether to keep things as they are, separate, or enter couples counseling to heal your relationship after infidelity.
Expectations of the relationship
It is okay to place reasonable expectations on this relationship. You have been hurt and want to make sure the other person understands that this relationship will not be the same. It is okay to have criteria for the other person to meet. For example, they need to go to individual therapy for you to even consider them back in your life or requesting for more emotional space or physical space away from your partner to process your emotions. This is all reasonable.
Setting your expectations for the relationship is about creating safety for yourself. Get really clear about what you need from your partner to feel safe and what you expect in terms of loyalty, friendships with other people, and time you spend together. You need to be clear about your expectations so your partner can have a chance to meet them.
Boundaries
It is not “too much” to ask for reasonable compromises
Such as setting boundaries on social media or contact with the person they had the affair with. Many people are afraid of being “that person,” that “jealous” or “controlling” person who wants to know where their parter is and who they are talking to. I often remind people that it’s okay. Let yourself be “that person” because you're healing and need evidence that things are changing for the better.
Your boundaries and expectations can always be renegotiated later as your relationship heals from infidelity.
Prepare for unsolicited opinions
I want you to keep in mind that you can pick and choose who you confide in about your partner’s infidelity. Sometimes, we may confide in someone who has a strong opinion about the situation. This person may say something like “If that happened to me I would just leave.” Perhaps, they would leave their partner. But, they are not the ones experiencing what you are going through. Many people do not consider what your heart is telling you. Your partner means so much to you and not the other person. And just because someone else would do something different does NOT mean you have to make the same choices for yourself. You get to choose what’s right for you.
Consider receiving help to facilitate an honest conversation with a professional
Your brain has probably been running a million miles a minute with all the questions that you want to know. This can include, “who was this person, were they better looking than me, were they in our house?” This is normal. But, even when your partner is giving you answers you’re probably thinking they are just a big liar.
Couples therapy can help!
It can provide you with the skills and emotional space to help your partner understand why these questions keep coming up and why they are so important.
Cheating, affairs, or infidelity are some of the hardest things relationships face. They are also more common than you might know. And I hope it brings you hope to know couples counseling can work for cheating! We help couples every week deal with this challenge. At Inland Empire Couples Counseling we know the steps to help your relationship heal from infidelity. If you would like to work with one of our therapists, the first step is to schedule a free phone consultation. Click below to schedule!
We are now offering online couples therapy in California and in-person marriage counseling services in Riverside, CA; and online marriage counseling services in Temecula, CA!!
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Here are some of our favorite posts:
How to bring up complaints to your partner (one of the MOST important relationship skills)
What does quality mental health care look like (just like doctors, not all therapists are great. Here’s how to know you have a good one for you.)
How to preserve your relationship in an argument by calling a time-out (Just like in a sporting event, sometimes we need to call a TO, step off the field, and catch our breath so we can come back to our partners and work as a team again.)
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