What about my kids? Setting priorities for parents during the coronavirus crisis
Parents, grandparents and other caregivers for kids have unique challenges right now. If you’re like most of our clients, friends, and family, your kids are top of mind. We get it.
You’ve got questions:
What should I be doing with my kids?
How do I manage my own anxiety?
How do I protect them?
How do I make sure their education is going forward?
How do we do this homeschooling thing? And does that even matter right now?
I’m going to attempt to answer some of those questions for you
First things first: you've got to take care of you
You need to manage your stress, eat well, get sleep, get exercise — and it's because your kids need you to be okay. You are who they look to for certainty, stability, and guidance when things aren't normal or when life is stressful. This whole thing is going be so much more upsetting to your kids if you're falling apart and they can't lean on you.
The natural kid conclusion when parents are falling apart is: “I have to figure this out on my own. I'm all alone. No one's gonna help me.” We don’t want that for our kids. Or you might have kids who act out to let you know they're not okay and that they need you. If you're seeing this stuff from your kids, know it's totally normal and that one of the best things that you can do for them is to take care of you right now.
Second: shield your kids from the worst-case scenarios and the panic
Tell them what they need to know, but don't overwhelm them. You might talk to them about why schools are closed, why they can't go out and do their normal stuff and see their friends. Be truthful and age-appropriate. When I refer to “kids,” I'm talking about kids of all ages: all the way from your tiny toddlers to your college student who just moved back home.
Turn off the news, watch what you say in front of them, be aware of how you're talking about world events and even about your own fears when your kids are around. We want to be the voice that helps them ward off their own panic. We want to help them shift from “Oh no! I don't know what to do! Everything's crazy” to “We're doing the best that we can with what we have. We are safe at home. We are listening to the experts and taking all of the appropriate steps to make sure that our family is okay.”
What those steps look like might be different depending on what your occupation is, the ages of your kids, and whether you're able to work from home. The point is that you are providing your kids some guidance and that you're shielding them from the worst of the panic, anxiety, and stress that's out there.
Third: give your kids lots of attention
They need to know you’re here for them they need. This helps them manage their own anxiety and changes to their routine. Being available to them will also to help them with their boredom. You might have noticed already that your kids want extra attention.
If you're able, shift around your work-from-home schedule or your kid-duty schedule with your partner to be as available to your kids as possible. (Remember that caring for you is still your #1 priority. You need some alone time too.)
Fourth: help them maintain some sense of normalcy, routines, and schedules
I think this is where homeschooling comes in. Notice that it's fourth on my list! Take care of yourself, shield them as best you can, give them lots of attention. And if those things are solid, then you can look at homeschooling. It's useful but not critical at this time. Helping your kids maintain their mental health and survive this is so much more important.
High school and college aged kids might have more urgency to complete their school work, but attending to everyone’s mental health is still most important. For all ages, schooling can be a great way to help our kids manage their boredom and to make sure that you have some routines in place.
And on the idea of routines, make sure that they're still bathing, brushing their teeth, and going to bed sometimes, even if bedtime isn't at their regular time. We want to make sure they have some routine in their lives because they need it, and honestly you need it too.
Your routines will probably look different right now: they might include things like reading time, cleaning time, outside time, and games, puzzles, and all the other things you can be doing while you are in your house. And yes, that’s for your teenagers too! Play games with them, listen to the music they like, be together. They still need you even if they act like they don’t!
Conclusion: priming for resilience
In all of this, if there's a silver lining, it's that we have the opportunity to prime our kids for resilience. How we handle our own stress, how we talk to our kids, what we teach them about how to face challenges in life is priming them for how they will face challenges in their future lives.
Are they going to be the kind of people who panic and shut down when they face challenges? Are they going to go through life with a sense of “oh no! The bottom might drop out at any moment”?
Or, are we setting them up to know that they can be adaptable, that they can be flexible, that even if they don't know what's going to happen they will find a way to get through it?
We have the opportunity to ingrain some of those things and our kids now! Our responses in the current crisis and day-to-day uncertainty are setting examples for our kids.
Think into the future 10 years from now, how do we want our kids to remember this time? Do we want them to remember it as one of extreme stress? Or do we want them to have fond memories of stories read and walks and games and love, of community and connection and family togetherness? I think most of us would choose the latter. Even though we don't know what today is going to be, we can look to that future as a guiding star: how do I want my kids to remember this time?
Let’s get real
Now we're going to go to that worst-case scenario. These are the questions in the back of our minds, the ones we all know are there but we'd rather not think about:
What will the impact of this be on my household? On our income? On our plans for the future?
What if one of us is hospitalized?
What if one of us dies?
The sad reality is that this will happen to some of us. It is already happening.
If the worst happens to us, what do we want our memories to be? What are the memories we want our kids to have?
If that worst thing happens, we're not going to care about the homeschooling schedule. We're not going to care anymore about how much screen time they had or whether we let them eat the chips and the cookies. We will be glad that we took the time to be with them.
If it's us or if it's them or if it's someone else we love who doesn't make it, can we look back on this time with no regrets and know that we did what we could for our kids? That's what it comes down to: our relationships that matter. Love them. Take care of your kids.
Take care of yourself and love on your kids and you will be doing great.
If you are not doing okay and you need to reach out for help there are lots of therapists who are available for sessions during this time. I have been doing online sessions for years and know that it is a great way to deliver and receive therapeutic support.
