In this post I’m going to ask you to question some of your assumptions about men and women. I’ll confess that my ears perk up and I become skeptical whenever I hear someone tell me something like “you know how women are” or “he’s just a typical man.” These often set up unfair double standards and impossible double binds. I'll share a few reasons I think these types of statements are problematic.

People love knowing they are appreciated. Some people may not like hearing the actual words too much, and if your spouse is one of these people, you probably know it already. The point I’m making here is not so much about saying the words as it is about communicating the feeling. Anytime I suggest you say something feel free to substitute in your mind a way you know your spouse likes to receive love and appreciation.

I’ve got some news for you: Not all problems in your marriage can be solved. Some just don’t have solutions. These may come from differences in personality traits, religion, political opinions, cleanliness preferences, and the like. No matter how much you talk about these things or fight about which way is right, neither of you is likely to change or to change your partner.

Conflict happens. It just does. You and your spouse are not always going to see a situation the same way, you may have different opinions, preferences, and values. And so, you will disagree. It is not realistic to expect that you will never experience conflict or disagreement. Today, I’m talking about repair attempts, a secret weapon to preserve your relationship during conflict.

The experience of an individual going through a crisis of faith can send ripples through the family and friend groups connected to that person. People might be shocked to hear someone lost their faith or is choosing to step away from their faith tradition. The person may make an open declaration and want to explain their story, or they may quietly step back and leave others guessing.

Let me set the scene for you:

I’ve got a couple* sitting on my couch. I like each one of them very much. I’ve spent a few sessions getting to know them and their relationship. They’ve told me about their complaints, their dissatisfaction, their deep disappointment that their partner has changed or isn’t the person they thought they married. One of them is considering divorce. The other doesn’t want divorce but also doesn’t want to keep going on with these fights and this distance between them.