Phase Two: Sharing The Details After Infidelity with Couples Therapy

Healing from Infidelity in Couples Therapy Murrieta

As you start coming out of crisis mode after hearing about the betrayal, you may find yourself generating more questions or wanting to know all the details. This is very normal. Not only is it normal but it is fair to want all the cards out on the table to help you understand what happened. Knowing the details can help you make meaning of the betrayal and determine whether or not you would want to stay in the relationship. For example:

Was the affair an emotional affair or sexual affair?

Maybe you draw the line at physical or sexual intimacy, so if it was just flirting in direct messages on a social media app you may feel more able to get past it. 

Was the affair with a stranger your partner met online or your childhood best friend?

If the affair was with someone you know well the betrayal may feel bigger and too much to stay. 

Was the affair a one-night stand after a night out drinking with friends or was it a 5 year secret life that they hid from you?

You may find yourself feeling like one mistake is something you could work through but a pattern of continual lying or betrayal cannot.

If you feel like this is not a conversation you can’t have on your own or you don’t know where to start, reach out to us for couples therapy. Jackie Flietstra specializes in helping couples heal when there has been infidelity and she can help you navigate those difficult conversations and feelings.

The point here is that details will help you determine what is something you can accept (not that you want it to happen again or that the betrayal was okay) versus what you cannot. This is not an unreasonable request to want the details. With that said, how you ask about those details is also important. So here are some tips to ask your partner for those details: 

If possible, ask to set up a time to discuss the details together in private

Oftentimes, conversations between partners do not go well when they seem to come out of nowhere or the second you walk in the door as you get home from work. Timing is important and for this conversation, because of the sensitivity of the topic, it may be a good idea to plan a time when you will discuss this topic. It is NOT recommended to have this discussion in public or when your kids (if you have any) are around. Not only does it restrain the conversation but it can heighten emotions which is not going to help the already difficult conversation - and most certainly will hurt the kids. 

Be prepared with a list of questions to ask

Spend some time thinking about all the details you need to know or the questions that keep you up at night. I recommend making a list of those details you need or questions you have.  If the conversation gets side-tracked or you become heightened with emotion you’ll be able to revert back to your list of things you want or need to ask so that you don't forget. 

Try to remain calm and if it gets to be too much (for your and/or your partner), take a break

Here's the thing, expect for this conversation to be difficult. You most likely have a lot of pain behind your questions and your partner may have a lot of regret or shame behind their answers. To help this difficult conversation go well, in a way where you can get the answers you need, you will need to stay as calm as possible. Speak in a calm voice and ask one question at a time. Let your partner give their answer and pause before you respond. There is no need to rush when you have to process something this large. If an answer hits you hard or you (and/or your partner) become dysregulated, you can stop the conversation and come back to it at another time. I know you may be wanting to get all the details as fast as possible so that you can make the meaning out of it and know what decision to make - so keep in mind that when you and/or your partner are overwhelmed with emotion, you may not be able to hear them well and they may be unable to share well. 

Start your healing journey today in Couples Therapy Murrieta, Online Couples Therapy, or Couples Therapy Riverside

At Inland Empire Couples Counseling we offer the best marriage counseling we can! Our couples therapists are trained in helping couples heal from infidelity, substance use in relationships, childhood trauma, communication skills, as well as providing the LGBTQIA+ community with pride counseling. We have online couples counseling in California. We have couples therapy in Riverside, CA. We also have marriage counseling in Murrieta CA or the Temecula Valley. Please reach out for help by clicking the button below to schedule a free 15 minute consultation with our Intake Coordinator.

Have questions about couples counseling? Visit our FAQs page to find out more.