Calling a time-out: 7 tips to help you take a break and preserve your relationship
Calling a time-out in an argument: How to take a break without hearing “Don’t you walk away from me! We’re not done here.”
Sometimes the best thing you can do for your relationship when a disagreement gets tense is to take a break. This doesn’t mean that you get to just walk away and avoid the topic forevermore. It’s a strategy that’s based in physiology.
Our bodies react the same to physical and emotional/relational threat; when you’re fighting with your partner, one or both of you might go into fight-flight-or-freeze mode. When you’re in fight-or-flight you aren’t capable of accessing your executive functioning skills (creative thinking, empathy, perspective taking, logical thinking), and if you continue fighting with your spouse after you’re in fight-or-flight, you’re likely to say things that hurt your relationship and that you’ll regret later.
Here are some tips for using a time-out to preserve your relationship during conflict:
When you’re both calm, agree to use a time-out for tense arguments. Talk about these tips and agree to the rules when you’re not fighting.
Anyone can call a time-out. This strategy isn’t like putting your child on time-out. It’s like calling a time-out in a sporting event: things aren’t going the way we want them to, we need to take a breather so we can come back to it later. Either party can call it.
20 minutes - 24 hour break from the topic. You need at least 20 minutes of break from the conversation. Your body needs time to metabolize the stress hormones released in fight-or-flight and to return to normal. We recommend no more than 24 hours to ensure you come back to the issue. It was probably something important that can’t be ignored forever.
No judgement. People don’t always display outwardly how upset they are; if someone calls a time-out you both respect it without judgement. Your partner might not look very upset, but if they ask for a time-out, trust them.
No ruminating or stewing on the fight. Don’t keep the fight going in your head; this defeats the purpose of the time-out. Do anything else: watch TV, take a nap, go to work, clean something, whatever! Remember, no judgement. What matters here is that you give your body time to metabolize the stress hormones and return to normal. It can’t do that if you’re still having the fight in your head.
Come back when you’re both ready. If you check in with each other after 20 minutes and one of you isn’t calm and ready to keep talking, take more time. It’s okay. Having you both be your best selves when you talk is worth the extra wait.
Reengage on the topic. When you come back together, go back to the important issue, not to the tension. Try not to get distracted by the things said or done right before the time-out was called. Go back to the issue you were discussing, the problem you were trying to solve.
How are these tips working out for you? Have you successfully used a time-out? Share this post and tag Inland Empire Couples Counseling on Facebook or @RebeccaRelationshipExpert on Instagram and share what’s working for you.
