Essential Communication Tips for Healthy Relationships with Marriage Counseling in Temecula, Ca and Riverside, Ca

One of the most important things in a relationship is communication. And though most people already know or believe this, they often find themselves struggling to know how with their partners. For example: some people are so fearful of conflict that they will do anything to avoid it or shut down when the tension is high and end up coming across as if they don’t care. Others can be so uncomfortable with conflict lingering that they push for a quick resolve and end up coming across as insensitive or dismissive.

Part of why keeping healthy communication during conflict is so challenging is because we deeply want to be connected, loved and respected with others - especially our partners! And in moments of conflict, when we and/or our partner is upset, our brains can panic or go into fight/flight/freeze mode. Naturally, humans will struggle to communicate well in this survival mode because our brains are focused on keeping us safe - not on being considerate, kind, respectful or loving.

So in this blog series, I will be giving you and your partner some tips on communication to help you and your partner stay out of that survival mode. To start, let’s focus on ways we can share a concern or complaint well!

Tip #1: Invite your partner to conversation: Marriage Counseling in Temecula, Ca

That saying “timing is everything”, in this case, is true. We all know what it is like to walk in the door from a long day at work or crawl into bed after getting the kids to bed, thinking it is time to unwind or relax to then be surprised with a serious conversation or conflict (even if it is only minor). When we are invited into conversation, we are more likely to be able to show up in a way where we aren’t caught off guard or surprised. An invitation allows us to assess if the timing is right, switch “hats” (i.e. transition from work role to partner role), as well as mentally or emotionally prepare for the conversation.

Example Invitation: “Hey hun, I’d like to talk to you about our finances this week. When would be a good time for us to do that?”

Tip #2: Set an intention for the conversation — Marriage Therapy in Riverside, Ca and Murrieta, Ca

I often find that when we show up to a conversation without being clear about what we are talking about, why we are talking about it, and what we are looking to get out of the conversation we unintentionally put our partners in a position where they cannot follow us or respond well. They may miss what feels like our obvious “main point”, give a response that is unhelpful, and/or guess incorrectly on how to support us.

Example of setting the intention: “Thank you for taking the time to chat with me. I want to have a conversation with you about our finances, specifically some feelings and needs I have with how we are spending money so that we can re-evaluate our budget together and work as a team towards saving more. It is important to me that we re-evaluate our budget and work towards saving more so that we can move us closer to buying a home.”

Tip #3: Share without being critical or attacking with Couples Therapy in California

Once you’ve set the intention with your partner, you’ll want to share your feelings and needs in a way where you are not criticizing them or attacking their character. Using the example described above, a criticism might sound like “You are so irresponsible!” or “You never manage our money well!”. Criticisms like this make us feel attacked, and when we feel attacked we tend to get into that fight/flight/freeze mode where we will get defensive or shut down. So to share in a way where our partner will be able to hear our complaints without feeling attacked, we can use “I” statements to communicate. An “I” statement looks like:

I feel __(emotion)__ about/when __ (topic)__ and I want/need __ (positive need) __.”

Examples of “I” statement:

“I feel concerned about how much money we are spending and I need for us to re-evaluate our budget and see if there are ways we can save more money”

“I feel overwhelmed when I look at our bank statements and I see how much money we are spending. I would like for us to set a goal for how much we can save each month to build back up our savings.”

Read Using I Statements: Communication Skills for Relationships for more help.

Communication is so important. When we are communicating well or in a way where we feel heard and understood, we feel loved and respected. When we are communicating poorly, we can feel unimportant, disrespected, and disconnected. In my next blog, I will be focusing on ways we can listen well - but if you read this and thought “wow, my partner and I totally struggle with communication and this fight/flight/freeze thing”, let us know - we’d love to help! Reading these tools is one thing, practicing them with your partner is another!

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