Challenging The Fairy Tale Ending in Couples Therapy in California

You know those moments when you catch yourself daydreaming about the elusive "happily ever after"? We've all been there. It's that cozy little corner of our minds where fairy tales reign supreme, and everything seems perfectly packaged with a neat bow on top. But let's hit pause on the Disney soundtrack for a moment and dive into the real nitty-gritty of what "happily ever after" truly means. Spoiler alert: it's not just about finding Prince Charming or Princess Perfect. In fact, it's more like navigating a messy yet beautiful journey filled with twists, turns, and the occasional dragon or two.

Rethinking "Happily Ever After" with Marriage Counseling in Temecula, Ca and Riverside, Ca

What does “happily ever after” mean to you? There are plenty of ways this might shape up in a description about happiness, and very often the focus is on where or who we “end up with”. The focus on the finish line when it comes to relationships is a really strange phenomenon when we look at it clinically. It's almost as though we would forgo a lifetime of happiness just to say we’ve “made it '' to an end point, even if it means we don’t know or care about the person we finish the race with.

Examining the “fairy tale ending” might provide some room for more questions, because we therapists love questions….it's kind of our thing. The ending of fairy tales millennials grew up internalizing look a lot like the beginning of a commitment, Cinderella, Snow white, Ariel and Eric….hell, even Shrek and Fiona all conclude their storylines at the very beginning of the decision, nay…the assumption, that they are now “together” because they’ve tackled some obstacles together. I know I’ve associated happily ever after with a continuation of an intense, burning love that we identify as the infatuation stage of romantic relationships. Is it realistic though that this is to be sustained throughout our life…for 20,30…50 years?

Defining Success Together with An Experienced Couples Therapist in California

I’m wondering how we might evaluate our lives and loves if we collectively placed focus on the realistic, the logistical, the quality of and the meaningful when it comes to romance, not just the intensity. Identifying, adjusting and managing expectations is an underutilized skill in the realm of couples work and there is a lot of that going on in the daily and sometimes mundane part of life “together”. I mean, it's common sense that relationships take hard work to achieve success, but I think it's in our definition of “success” wherein lies the rub.

Evaluating your own definition of success in relationships is something that couples therapists are great at teasing out.

If you have never asked yourself (or your partner(s)) this question, you may find some drastic differences. Fear might keep a lump in your throat handy when it comes to this task…you’re not the only one. Finding out you and your beloved have differences is scary, you might assign some negative meaning to this and that's normal, but it may be where growth happens and isn’t that what you’re looking for?

Growth = Success in Marriage Therapy at Inland Empire Couples Counseling

Growth or more importantly, growing together, might be my definition of success. If the belief that success can only arrive in the “end”, we miss the present, and we need to focus on the present before we ever see an end, it's literally the next step. Expectations that you and your partner(s) will grow and change over time is the scariest, but also the safest. Change is inevitable, and if we fight that fact then we set ourselves up for a rude awakening when we look around and feel stuck, FOMO, unfulfilled, bored, tired, controlled, confused, the list goes on.

In the US Air Force, when things didn’t go as planned, we would always hear, “well, flexibility is the key to airpower”. It became a euphemism for “shit went sideways, so we need to adapt or we fail”. I think this becomes true in relationships, too. Things are going to go sideways, expecting it is a strength because we aren’t surprised when we face adversity and flexibility is better than rigidity, rigid things break with the slightest bend.

Experience Quality Couples Therapy in California with Our Relationship Experts

So if growth is good, and growing together is better, and managing expectations while growing together is success, then shouldn’t we implement those things now? Isn’t the next step just as important as the finish line? Don’t all of those same fairy tales exhibit a narrative of things going sideways and overcoming adversity together? This, in my opinion, is the more important point and where the focus makes for meaningful connection and a life well lived. The present, the process of overcoming with flexibility and grace, having an incredible story to tell because you grew through it. My favorite and, I think, the most powerful part, of couples therapy is the chance to grow through things together. Bearing witness to the struggle and contributing to the process that is your healing, your learning and your growth, and to do this alongside your chosen in the present. There is a reason that couples therapy often becomes “date night” for so many.

Quality marriage counseling in Riverside CA, Temecula CA, and online couples counseling in California

At Inland Empire Couples Counseling we offer the best marriage counseling we can! Our couples therapists are trained in helping couples heal from infidelity, substance use in relationships, childhood trauma, communication skills, as well as providing the LGBTQIA+ community with pride counseling. We have online couples counseling in California. We have couples therapy in Riverside, CA. We also have marriage counseling in Murrieta CA or the Temecula Valley. Please reach out for help by clicking the button below to schedule a free 15 minute consultation with our Intake Coordinator.

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