The Relationship Timeline: Debunking Society's Expectations with Couples Therapy in California

Ever stopped to think about how much power the word 'should' holds in our lives? It's like this invisible force nudging us to toe the line, fit into boxes society deems 'right.' But here's the thing: while we're busy trying to meet all these expectations, do we ever stop and ask ourselves what we truly want? That's what we're diving into here – the messy, tangled web of 'shoulds' and authenticity. Because let's face it, life's a lot more than just ticking off boxes.

Battling Expectations with Couples Therapy in Riverside, California

Say the word “should” out loud. How does it sound? Taste? Feel? What happens inside your body when you hear it? Is it comforting guidance? Is it something to be scoffed at?

We all have our own unique relationship with expectations. And because we don’t often stop long enough to think about where they come from or what they mean to us, we can become preoccupied with and devoted to them in a pretty rigid way. We can’t talk about the word “should” without addressing culture, norms, and society in its functional parts. It's human nature to “fit in”, after all, it's cold and lonely out there with the wolves, not to mention unsafe.

Social acceptance brings us safety and it's built into our very survival mechanism, it's no wonder we glue ourselves to what others may or may not think of us. There is a strength in support and a validation in acceptance by others, but what happens when our genuine, authentic self doesn’t fit the recipe the cultural norms require?

Finding Your Authentic Self: Couples Counseling in Riverside, CA and Murrieta, CA

So many factors play out in the story of our lives that it's almost impossible to track, and dare I say, compare ourselves to others, it's never apples to apples. The expectations of societies, especially of those in relationships, mostly go unspoken, and this sets the precedent for continuing to not speak about them. When these expectations encompass a large array of items from gender roles, communication styles, relationship milestones, love languages, and displays of affection, it becomes much easier to ask the question, “what should I be doing?” and it is much more difficult to ask the question “What do I want, even if it doesn’t follow these norms?”.

When partners in relationships find their authentic self at odds with expectations, it puts a strain on authenticity in relationships and the only way to reconcile this and give genuine connection a chance is to find balance between the internal authenticity and external pressures to conform. You may have witnessed this battle play out in partnerships you’ve been a part of. “They were this person when we met, what happened? It's as though they’ve changed into someone I don’t even know”. The further into a relationship we get, the harder it is to stay conformant to social norms when there are parts of us that are not congruent with them. Our authenticity, with all of the scars and the stars, starts to take over, the strain to contain gets exhausting.

Experienced Couples Therapy in California

Another exhausting practice and one fraught with personal despair is trying to hit time sensitive milestones for “when” a certain thing “should” happen for us. I know there is much here that is valid about biological ticking clocks for reproductive success and safety that can be argued, but this practice of hitting a milestone without considering our genuine desires and only on what's expected by others can have direct impacts on our quality of life.

Adhering to predetermined time stamps are almost always emotional, rushed decisions that are more likely to become points of regret. Slowing down and asking ourselves the “tough” questions and daring to question whose authority you’d like to live by is akin to learning how to fish. Becoming comfortable in that discomforting place is a valuable skill, one that a good therapist honors and supports. What is right for you now may not fit the timeline. The authentic self you desire to be may be hiding just behind the fear of asking what YOU need, instead of what SHOULD you need.

Couples therapy is an amazing way to not just explore this for yourself, but with your partner. It is common that this increases the likelihood of understanding and support from a trusted partner, and speaks to some of my favorite “added benefits” to relationship based therapy.

Quality marriage counseling in Riverside CA, Temecula CA, and online couples counseling in California

At Inland Empire Couples Counseling we offer the best marriage counseling we can! Our couples therapists are trained in helping couples heal from infidelity, substance use in relationships, childhood trauma, communication skills, as well as providing the LGBTQIA+ community with pride counseling. We have online couples counseling in California. We have couples therapy in Riverside, CA. We also have marriage counseling in Murrieta CA or the Temecula Valley. Please reach out for help by clicking the button below to schedule a free 15 minute consultation with our Intake Coordinator.

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