Tips for Better Communication in Relationships: Marriage Counseling in California
If you stumbled upon this blog searching for 'couples therapy near me' or 'how to fix communication in my relationship,' you're in good company. We've all been down that rabbit hole. Let's face it, communication can be tricky. We get it because we help couples with exactly this everyday. So, whether you're on the quest for relationship wisdom or just curious, join us as we share some insights and tips to make the journey a bit smoother.
The Art of Communication in Relationships
I’ve not yet met a couple in therapy that has not included “communication issues” in their list of presenting issues. Most of us believe we are awesome, or at least not pitiful, communicators and our partners…well, not so much. Wouldn’t it be great, and also very convenient, if our partners could communicate just as we do? That would be too easy and frankly, I’d be out of work if that were the case!
So why is “communication” such a pervasive problem in the world of love? Well, I suppose it must be the interpretive nature of sending and receiving messages that makes understanding so difficult. The way we perceive and experience our partners has a LOT to do with what comes across to us, and of course, adding in all the personal bias and past baggage for it to filter through makes it that much harder to sift through.
Notice I used the word “understanding” above? That's by design, just like looking at a painting and trying to decipher what the artist is trying to say, we focus on agreeing or disagreeing with the message rather than paying attention to how we feel and are moved by the piece… and boom!, we’ve missed the point. This happens in communication with partners too. The focus is usually on coming to an agreement, which more often than not is not possible and almost always, not the point. When we aim to agree, we tend to feel unheard, dismissed and disconnected, all while feeling defeated when we ultimately “agree to disagree”. The art of communication becomes more collaborative, connecting and intimate when we move toward a goal that is deeper understanding.
How Do We Fix Communication With Couples Therapy in Riverside, CA
So, what are the things we trip over the most when we try to connect with each other through sharing information about ourselves, our day, and our inner experience? My first observation with this is that active listening is something that is underdeveloped in cultures such as ours (United States) and something that I believe is cultural at its root. Everyone wants to feel heard and no one seems to know how to listen. You can imagine a world with a million cars and no mechanics, the majority of us are going to have to start using our chevro-legs real quick. Developing these skills is a big part of couples therapy.
The words we use to vaguely make our points and literal misuse of phrases are not helping either. If great art is careful and deliberate, so might we benefit from slowing down and utilizing some intentionality to our message craft. Telling someone how you feel is a great way to connect, but that gets frustrating for everyone when we say “I feel that you…” or “I feel like…”. The following parts of those statements are typically sharp as the criticism of the partner's character or behavior is about to come flying out. “I feel afraid” is a great way to talk about your emotional experience. “I feel like you don’t care about me” (an opinion based on assumptions) is a great way to help your partner feel misunderstood, maybe attacked and no doubt, the need to defend their emotional position.
I know that these things seem small and possibly insignificant, but the devil is in the details when it comes to effective communication skills. Keeping track of all of these things you aren’t aware of yet can get burdensome, replacing it with the things that do work is even harder when you're stuck at level 01. The benefits of couples therapy stack up quickly in this regard as a good therapist can help you and your partner do both in a relatively short timespan. If you feel stuck like this, I implore you, don’t wait until something breaks to repair it. Your relationship is a piece of art worthy of display and admiration, let’s get curating.
Quality marriage counseling in Riverside CA, Temecula CA, and online couples counseling in California
At Inland Empire Couples Counseling we offer the best marriage counseling we can! Our couples therapists are trained in helping couples heal from infidelity, substance use in relationships, childhood trauma, communication skills, as well as providing the LGBTQIA+ community with pride counseling. We have online couples counseling in California. We have couples therapy in Riverside, CA. We also have marriage counseling in Murrieta CA or the Temecula Valley. Please reach out for help by clicking the button below to schedule a free 15 minute consultation with our Intake Coordinator.
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