How can we transform the ‘how was your day?’ conversation into moments of meaningful connection? -A marriage counselor in Temecula CA answers your questions
Things seem a little stale in your relationship. You and your partner come together at the end of the day and you each ask each other “how was your day?” There's nothing really miserable about these conversations--you're not fighting--but somehow it feels rote or practiced or sometimes even boring. We are here to help you transform your regular old “how is your day?” conversation into moments of meaningful connection.
We have written previously on the importance of regular connection and the stress reducing conversation and rituals of connection. These other articles contain explanations of why we have these “how was your day?” conversations and why they matter for your relationship.
Today I'm going to give you some tips for how to make the how was your day conversation into moments of meaningful connection.
Understanding the why of “How was your day?”
So why do so many people have a “how was your day?” conversation at the end of the day? It's our attempt to come back into connection with our people after time apart. And it has a more practical purpose too. If we don't know what's happening in our partner's life, we aren't available to provide them meaningful support or to laugh with them or to help them or for them to feel known by us and vice versa. If our partner doesn't know what's going on in our life we might start to feel like strangers or distant friends instead of close lovers. If your partner doesn't know what's going on in your life, they aren't going to be able to give you encouragement before you leave for work on what's going to be a stressful day, they won't know to ask how your mom is or if you’re feeling better after being ill. The information that we gather in these “how was your day?” conversations isn't necessarily useful in and of itself, but it is useful in that it helps us see opportunities for support and love in each other's lives.
If we understand the purpose of the “how is your day?” conversation, we can shift things around to make it work for us. I worked with a couple where one of the partners had a very stressful job and didn't find it relaxing to come home from work and talk about what happened at their very stressful job. That was the last thing this person wanted to do. And the spouse often felt hurt or rejected because they didn't understand why their partner didn't want to share what was happening in their life. We did some work together around understanding what the one asking was wanting, and we found new ways for them to have that sense of connection at the end of the day. The person with the stressful job didn't want to talk about their job. But they really loved to listen to their partner, and they loved to share an activity together at the end of the day because that's the way that they de-stressed. This couple was still able to have meaningful moments of connection each day, it just looked differently than one might expect.
How to make daily connection more meaningful: Tips from a marriage counselor in Temecula CA
So my suggestion for you is to
think about how often you need or want connection from your partner,
get clear on what feels like connection to you,
sit down together and explore how you can develop some regular, maybe even daily, times that you can connect in ways that feel supportive for you both.
And then when it’s time to actually have the conversation or other connecting activity:
Put down your phone
Unless, of course, you are using your phone TO connect with your partner
Listen to each other
Really listen. Don’t try to prepare a response or think about what you’re going to say next.
Remember what the other person said
Remembering what your partner says is what sets you up to be supportive and loving later. Then you can ask how the work meeting went or whether they were able to find the thing they were looking for or whatever else is happening in their life
Share from your heart
Being open with your feelings, needs, and desires allows for you to be known by your partner and to feel closer and more loved
Make the conversation enjoyable
Gor for a walk, massage each other’s hands or feet, hold hands, have a tea or treat you both enjoy
Ask different questions
You don’t always have to ask “How was your day?” You can ask anything else
What made you laugh today?
What was the best and worst 5 minutes of your day?
When did you feel most loved today?
What are you worried about right now?
What are you looking forward to tomorrow/this week?
Ask open-ended questions
Questions that can be answered with a yes or no don’t offer as much opportunity for connection
Focus on feelings or experiences rather than facts of what happened
Don't criticize or problem solve
Remember the point of these conversations is to feel more connected to your partner. Criticism shuts down connection. This also isn’t the time to fix problems in your relationship. It’s time for the two of you to have (and be) a soft place to land for each other at the end of the day.
What if it’s not so easy? Get help from a marriage counselor in Temecula CA
If you’ve read this list and felt discouraged because you know implementing these ideas just won’t work in your relationship, there is hope. It’s pretty common that old hurts or resentments get in the way of doing simple things like a “how was your day?” conversation. And yet, it’s still SO important to get those things addressed. When your relationship is in a period of turmoil or conflict, you need these moments of connection even more! The goodwill, the reminders of friendship, are part of what makes the problem solving conversations go more smoothly.
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Quality marriage counseling in Riverside CA, Temecula CA, and online couples counseling in California
At Inland Empire Couples Counseling we offer the best marriage counseling we can! Our couples therapists are trained in helping couples heal from infidelity, substance use in relationships, childhood trauma, communication skills, as well as providing the LGBTQIA+ community with pride counseling. We have online couples counseling in California. We have couples therapy in Riverside, CA. We also have marriage counseling in Murrieta CA or the Temecula Valley. Please reach out for help by clicking the button below to schedule a free 15 minute consultation with our Intake Coordinator.
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