What resources are there to help me heal emotionally after divorce? Advice from a couples therapist in Riverside
The divorce has happened (or is happening). You accepted it. Whether you are the one who asked for the divorce or the one who didn’t want it or maybe both, you’ve got some emotional healing to do after divorce. Divorce is one of the most stressful life events American adults face. And it’s made all the more stressful by the fact that it isn’t exactly one event. This is a life transition that can stretch out over a period of months or even years.
The emotional healing after divorce can include building new relationships, grieving the loss of your old relationship, grieving the loss of the future you thought you’d have together, dealing with anger and betrayal, dealing with sadness, learning to live alone again (or maybe for the first time). And you likely have some healing to do from the unhealthy patterns or wounds that ended the relationship.
I’ve got some ideas and resources to help you heal emotionally after your divorce:
Books
Conscious Uncoupling has some great ideas about how to get closure from your divorce and how to think about the ending of the relationship as a positive choice.
Set Boundaries, Find Peace will help you regain your sense of self and having some sense of control when there are a lot of things outside your control and which you may not get to choose for yourself.
Podcasts
There are SO many podcasts and podcast episodes that deal with divorce. I will include a few I think are good. My main recommendation is to watch out for the tone and the effect on you. Does listening to this help me feel calmer and more hopeful? Do I end these episodes and feel even more enraged or hopeless? Something that is really helpful for one person might bring you down. You decide what is right for you.
Divorce Conversations for Women is run by a certified divorce financial analyst and has very helpful suggestions about finances and communication.
How to Split a Toaster is a podcast by two family law attorneys that talk through creative solutions to the problems of divorce while focusing on preserving your most important relationships.
Friends
I can’t link you to great friends here. I sincerely hope you already have one or two friends to help support you through your divorce. Again, my suggestion is to pay attention to how you feel walking away from your divorce conversations with your friends. If you have friends that tend to egg you on or add to your feeling of anger and hopelessness about your divorce, maybe talk to them about other things and leave your divorce conversations for other friends.
As I moved through my own divorce, I found one friend that is so consistent at helping me see if I’m being unfair or harsh in my take on a situation. I so highly value how she can help me see if I’m getting in my own way. Another friend is really good at helping me think through the ways something could go wrong. I go to that friend with a different type of divorce problem. And yet another who always stands up for me. I go to them when I want to check if I’m being taken advantage of or giving up too much.
You definitely don’t have to do this alone. If you don’t already have friends you can rely on. It’s time to start making some friends. You aren’t meant to do this hard stuff alone.
Therapy
Remember that part about how divorce is one of the most stressful things anyone can go through? If you find that you’re confused, struggling, anxious, depressed, or just plain overwhelmed, you’re totally normal. It’s also expected that the difficulty of divorce might bring back memories or unresolved pain from earlier life or relationships. Helping people through these things with is what therapy is for. We have some great therapists at Inland Empire Couples Counseling who are available to help you.
Mindfulness
If you want to roll your eyes at the suggestion of mindfulness to help heal from your divorce because it just seems so cliche, I get it. And stick with me for just a minute more.
What I’m suggesting with mindfulness here is merely noticing what you are feeling and experiencing. Divorce is SO hard. And with anything that is hard and overwhelming, our brain and body have ways of keeping us safe by distancing, numbing, distracting from, or avoiding the pain. Avoiding and numbing are temporary strategies. They work, but they are temporary.
How can we deal with the emotional difficulty of divorce if we don’t even know what those emotions are? We can’t. The paradoxical secret is that most difficult emotions will intensify, peak, and then start to alleviate in about 10 minutes if we give ourselves time and space to feel them. So, set a time for 15 minutes, sit quietly, and feel. Notice what sensations exist in your body (that’s where we feel emotions - in the body) and sit in them. Don’t try to change them. You don’t even have to label them. Just feel. When the timer is up, get up and move along with your day.
There are some great apps to help you learn to meditate with some guidance. I really like Headspace for beginners, Calm and Ten Percent Happier are also popular, and Insight Timer is a great free option.
Reach out for help from a divorce therapist in Riverside today
To summarize. This is hard. If you’re having a hard time, you’re a normal human going through a really hard thing. Don’t do it alone. Let others help you.
We would love to be some of the people that help you through your divorce.
Quality marriage counseling in Riverside CA, Temecula CA, and online couples counseling in California
At Inland Empire Couples Counseling we offer the best marriage counseling we can! Our couples therapists are trained in helping couples heal from infidelity, substance use in relationships, childhood trauma, communication skills, as well as providing the LGBTQIA+ community with pride counseling. We have online couples counseling in California. We have couples therapy in Riverside, CA. We also have marriage counseling in Murrieta CA or the Temecula Valley. Please reach out for help by clicking the button below to schedule a free 15 minute consultation with our Intake Coordinator.
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