Rules for Fair Fighting: Communication Skills for Relationships
Consult A Therapist Series
Did you know that healthy relationships have disagreements and even arguments? It's true! Many of us expect a "happily ever after" that is as stress free and fun as the falling in love part of relationships. But that's not the whole story.
You and your partner are individuals. You're different people with different background, opinions, and perspectives. You're never going to completely agree on everything. The fact that you disagree or argue sometimes doesn't mean your relationship is doomed. All relationships have arguments or fights. It's HOW you manage those disagreements that makes all the difference.
Two of our awesome couples therapists, Rebecca Williams and JR Allen, discuss the rules for fair fighting in our Consult A Therapist series.
Rules for Fair Fighting:
How do I feel? - This is time when you can identify how you feel and express that to your partner so they have the opportunity to help you through the emotions
Stick with one topic - you can’t make progress in your argument if you are bringing up all the issues at once… stick with only one issue at a time
Honest is the best policy - be honest with yourself and your partner about how you feel, no matter how hard it seems
Too low for me - be careful with what you say. Don’t hit “below the belt” with your words in the heat of the moment. If you need to, take a break from the argument
Hear me out - take the time to really listen to each other. Don’t interrupt each other or talk over one another
Ha! Ha! Ha! - After you hit the peak of the argument, if appropriate, use humor in a positive manner to release the tension of the moment
Draw me close - do something to draw you together with each other after the argument: prayer, meditation, a hug, a walk, etc.
Was watching this video a homework assignment from your therapist?
Put this skill into practice before your next session. We’ll want to know how it went. If you had great success, we’ll celebrate with you. If implementation was rough, we can help you figure out what went wrong and get you back on track.
