Needy. 

Or clingy. 

If these words have ever been used to describe interactions in your relationship, you know things can escalate quickly! One of you wants to connect every day and the other one would like a little more personal space. If you're the one who wants connection, you don't understand why your partner gets so distant and you've started to wonder if they really love you. This creates doubt in you, so you try even harder to connect with them, which likely leads to further distancing from your partner.

If you're on the other side of this, you may have the experience of wondering why things are never enough for your partner, why they seem to want to smother you, why you're reassurances aren't enough, and why your partner doesn't understand that you need some alone time and it's nothing personal. Whichever side of this dance you are on, there can be so many difficult feelings: misunderstood, unloved, rejected, smothered, hurt.

Objectively, neither of you is right or wrong in this dance. You just have different comfort levels regarding how much closeness or independence you want in your relationship. 

I'm going to give you some ideas for how to talk differently about the need for connection in your relationship so that you and your partner can get out of this hurtful dance and feel more loved and understood by each other. 

Why regular connection matters: learning about attachment from a couples therapist in Riverside CA

What we're talking about with these different levels or different desires for closeness in the relationship is attachment. We all have different attachment styles and different attachment comfort levels. Essentially a secure attachment is the sense that you know your partner is both a safe haven and secure base for you. A safe haven means that when things are rough you know you can come home to your partner and they will provide a sense of safety and security. A secure base means you feel comfortable in your partner’s love and support and that helps you move forward in the rest of your life to take risks or tackle the hard things that you need to do. We all need this sense of attachment in our lives: places or people that are both a safe harbor and a secure base. 

The difficulty in relationships can come when the level of closeness that one person needs in order to have that sense of secure attachment is different from what the other person needs. It's not that one of them is right or wrong, they are just different in what they each need to feel secure.

Does connection need to be daily for it to be meaningful?

The original question here asked about daily connection and I have changed that to be regular connection. For many people, some type of daily connection is important for their sense of secure attachment in their relationship. But it does not have to be daily, it just needs to be regular, and regular at a frequency that works really well for both people. 

Regular (or daily) connection is important because it reinforces our sense of having both a safe harbor to come home to and a secure base to explore from. And we build relationships through regular moments of support, connection, understanding, listening, relaxing, or just spending time together.

How to make your regular connection a habit you don't ignore: tips from an expert couples therapist in Riverside CA

If you're like most people you've probably tried something like this before: you have an idea of a new thing you and your partner are going to do together, you have the best of intentions to do it every day from here on out, and maybe at your best you got 3 to 5 days in a row before something happened and you went back to your old ways. You are so normal! Building new habits is hard and if you want to make a lasting change in how you and your partner connect you will need to be committed but also strategic about how you do that.

• Make it enjoyable. It's just human nature that we like to do things that we enjoy and will tend to avoid things that are uncomfortable. So make your regular time of connection enjoyable for both you and your partner. You might take a walk together, you might massage each other's hands or feet. But neither of these is a good idea if one of you hates walking or hates having your feet touched. What is enjoyable will be highly personal to the two of you.

• Make it easy. If there are lots of obstacles or complicated steps for making your daily or regular connection happen, it's less likely you will do it. So what can we find that is enjoyable and also easy to accomplish?

• Pair it with something you're already doing. Is there some other habit that's already happening in your day that we could add on a few moments of connection that would be both easy and enjoyable? If you and your partner have opposite work schedules, a “How was your day?” conversation at bedtime might not be possible for you, but if you are already having breakfast together everyday then let's pair our regular connection with the breakfast that is already happening.

• Put your phones down. Putting your phones down or even just knowing that the intention of your conversation is to  connect with each other can deepen connection. 

• Get creative when needed. If you and your partner are long distance or not living together you will need to get creative in other ways. You might have a standing time every day that you talk on the phone or a time in the week where you know you will FaceTime or zoom, the point is that you have time for connection.

We want you to find time for coming back to your safe harbor that doesn't require a lot of extra planning. You want it to be easy and enjoyable and paired with something that we're already doing. That's the best way to make a new habit. 

If you’re still having a hard time with regular connection, get help from a couples therapist in Riverside CA

I know that sometimes we talk about these ideas with our therapy clients and we make them sound so easy, and often they're really not that easy to put into place. Sometimes we have old hurts or resentments that get in the way of us being able to do something that seems so simple and straightforward like a “how was your day?” conversation. Or maybe you're so discouraged about other times you've tried to do something new together and had it fall apart that one or both of you just really doesn't want to try because you're afraid of another failure. 

If this is you, know that you are not alone and that there is help. A few weeks or months of couples therapy sessions with a trained, experienced couples therapist can make a world of difference in clearing out those old things that get in the way of something as simple as a “how was your day?” conversation. If you're looking for deeper connection and more understanding and love and your relationship, please click below to schedule a free phone consultation with one of our staff so that we can answer your questions and you can see if doing couples therapy with Inland Empire Couples Counseling is the right step for you.

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