“My boyfriend and I are in a long distance relationship because he got deployed. He's going to be gone for over a year. What can we do to keep our connection strong?”

What is very often neglected in the decision to date, wed, or start a family with a member of the U.S. military is that you are unofficially deciding to serve in the military as well, and probably with fewer perks. Much of your ability to make plans and maintain expectations is determined by the “mission” which comes first, so there is plenty to be frustrated with when it comes to the amount of spouse/partner support available to you that might make you feel second, third, or even fourth. Ask any “dependent spouse” about this and even the most proud military spouses will tell you…”it's just hard”. Many young relationships of young deployed personnel become strained by the lack of proximity, or physical ability to be together, and it makes sense. Most newer relationships rely on proximity for safety, security, and intimacy. I mean…of course, who doesn’t want to keep that new relationship energy through the roof?

Marriage Counseling in Temecula: Managing Expectations During Deployment

There is a lot to consider when maintaining relationships when your partner is abroad and even more when they are deployed overseas. Feeling helpless and hopeless begin to turn into partner/spouse deployment depression if we let it. It would be in dereliction of duty not to mention first the importance of expectations. The expectation that you will be able to communicate on a regular basis, that your partner will return your calls/texts/emails in any amount of time, that their orders or locations won’t change, that their date of return will be accurate, and the expectation that anyone on base will check in with you will all need constant consideration to avoid worry, anxiety, and disappointment. It might be worth talking to other partners of members in the unit to form a reliable “homefront” that can be utilized as a social support network. This network can help with the management of these expectations through sharing by more “seasoned” military partners. If your partner has not shipped out yet, try to have these conversations before they leave and absolutely talk about them while they are gone.

Effective Communication in Long-Distance Military Relationships

Just like any relationship, long or short distance, effective communication about emotional experiences, asking for what you need from each other, staying away from criticism and defensiveness, and even seeing a therapist for support are all things I would recommend and discuss with clients in this situation. One positive about deployments is that they are temporary, so unlike long-distance relationships that may not have a plan for unification, we can keep this in the back of our minds and it may even be a powerful tool to increase the anticipation of their return. Keeping a connection strong will definitely include intimacy, and by that I mean all types. Emotional, physical, intellectual, and spiritual intimacy can all be utilized. For more information on these different types, see my previous blog, and find some ways to explore each one. I try to offer a reframe regarding the lack of physical distance. It may give way to less reliance on physical intimacy in the form of sex and a strengthening of the other types. What feels more intimate to you? An afternoon quickie on a lunch break? Or sharing something about your inner world that makes you feel seen, heard, loved, and real? There is plenty of room for intimacy over the phone, FaceTime, text, or Snapchat.

Couples Counseling in California: Self-Care and Growth During Deployment

Sharing your frustrations and blaming/criticizing your partner for your struggles is one sure way to deteriorate your relationship satisfaction and create more distance when there is already plenty. My biggest piece of guidance might be, spend some of this time and space you might be tangled up in infatuation with your relatively new partner learning about and taking care of yourself. You may find that the space between contact with your deployed partner isn’t ideal, but it's a great chance to explore and grow in ways that will allow you to emerge stronger and add something positive and personal to the relationship. I work with all kinds of members in all kinds of deployed arrangements in all kinds of relationships, so if it's couples therapy via telehealth from downrange, individual in-person partner support here at home, or anything in between, there are options that can help you and yours find solutions for whatever trench you find yourselves in.

Quality marriage counseling in Riverside CA, Temecula CA, and online couples counseling in California

At Inland Empire Couples Counseling we offer the best marriage counseling we can! Our couples therapists are trained in helping couples heal from infidelity, substance use in relationships, childhood trauma, communication skills, as well as providing the LGBTQIA+ community with pride counseling. We have online couples counseling in California. We have couples therapy in Riverside, CA. We also have marriage counseling in Murrieta CA or the Temecula Valley. Please reach out for help by clicking the button below to schedule a free 15 minute consultation with our Intake Coordinator.

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