Navigating Relationship Dynamics When Plans Go Awry

Have you ever found yourself caught in the web of time, trust, and communication within a partnership? It's a journey that often leads us down unexpected paths, prompting reflection, growth, and sometimes, a few missed steps along the way.

Recently, I had the privilege of being interviewed by Bored Panda, where we explored questions that strike at the heart of relationship dynamics. [Read that here.] From considering the importance of punctuality to untangling the threads of trust and power within partnerships, the conversation offered both enlightening insights and revealing perspectives.

Why is it important to be punctual when we agree on a time to meet up with our partner?

First, for many people in our society, showing up on time is a sign of respect. It communicates that we value the other person, their time, and their comfort. No one likes to be sitting and waiting for someone else to arrive, wondering how long they'll be waiting, if the other person is okay, or whether they have time to start something else while they wait. This isn't true for all people or cultures.

There is a big difference between someone arriving 10-15 minutes late and two and half hours late.

Second, whether someone shows up on time or not is a symbol of their position of relative power in the relationship. A teacher is allowed to show up late to class without consequences but students are not. A boss can show up late or cancel a meeting without consequences but employees can't. If you have an issue in your relationship where one person is chronically late, it may symbolize that they believe they have (or they actually have) more power in the relationship.

In the reddit thread, the boyfriend believes it's okay for the girlfriend to wait for him (for more than two hours), but not okay for him to wait for her. If the power in their relationship were equal, he would have shown up on time, or, when arriving so late, he might have calmly walked away thinking something like "She must have gone to bed. It is very late. Too bad we missed each other. I'll talk to her tomorrow."

Third, showing up when we say we're going to is how trust and safety are built in relationships. And this isn't just about time. If you say you're going to come visit me and you don't, a little bit of the safety in our relationship is avoided. If you say you'll pick something up for me on the way home or pay a bill and you don't, a little bit of trust is eroded. If you say you're going to work on a behavior or attitude that hurts me and no change happens, a little bit of safety and trust dies. More than the culture piece or the power piece, THIS is why it matters that we show up when we say we are going to.

If something comes up and we’re going to be late or have to cancel, how should we communicate that to our partner?

If something comes up and we're going to be late or have to cancel, we should communicate that to our partner as quickly and directly as possible. A phone call or text should be fine for most circumstances. If you're meeting your partner after a dentist appointment, for example, and they call you back late. Text your partner right away. "It's 30 minutes past the start of my appointment and they're just taking me back now. I'm not going to make dinner on time. I'll let you know how this goes." With more time, your partner can plan around. Maybe they won't leave home or work as early. This is better than leaving them waiting at your meeting spot and only texting when you leave the dentist, when it's too late for them to do anything else except wait for you.

If you have to cancel plans, apologize, and offer an alternative time or activity if possible. This preserves the trust in the relationship. Maybe that's something like "I just got hit with a mandatory meeting on Friday. I'm not going to be able to leave early to go with you to your friend's party. I'm so sorry. I can make time to hang out with you on Saturday and maybe we can see your friend next week instead. What do you think?"

How can the couple better communicate (from both sides) in the future to prevent misunderstandings or conflicts like this one?

The way the poster phrased the original hangout plan didn't seem super clear that there was a midnight deadline. Maybe they could have said the boyfriend could come over when she got home around midnight, but please come before 12:30 am because I want to see you but don't want to be up all night. Or the boyfriend could have said "Cool, you'll be home at midnight but I don't think I'll get there until 2:30. Is that going to be too late for you?" Or the person could have texted when she turned off the TV and said "going to sleep. I'll catch you another time."

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