Rebuilding After Divorce: How to Piece Together Your Life Brick by Brick with Marriage Counseling in Temecula, Ca

Whether you were the partner who wanted to keep the marriage or the one who wanted the divorce, your life might feel like it got turned upside down. The LEGO building you and your partner were adding to for years just got broken apart and you’re picking up the pieces, wondering which of these bricks to keep and whether you want to recreate what you had or start something totally new. And how? How do you rebuild your life after divorce?

My general recommendation is that you rebuild carefully and with intention. But we can get into some specific areas. 

Get Your Finances In Order — Couples Counseling Temecula Ca

One of the biggest impacts of divorce for most people is in the financial realm. Your budget will likely feel tight for a while. Whatever you and your partner were making before the divorce now has to cover more expenses (utilities, rent, and other expenses for two places to live, attorney’s fees, therapy costs, etc.). And you might be looking at the reality of needing to rebuild savings accounts, having less for retirement, navigating health insurance or support payments. 

If your financial situation is complicated, I recommend working with a Certified Divorce Financial Planner who can help you understand the complexities of your financial picture while navigating divorce. 

And I recommend getting some good financial education, if you don’t already. The books I Will Teach You To Be Rich, Get Good With Money, and Financial Feminist are great places to start. 

Strengthen Your Social Connections

This may be more or less work depending on your particular situation. For some couples who have been together a long time, you have the same social circle. You might find that your ex “got the friends” in the divorce and you’re starting over. Or there may be some friendships that you had to let go because you were in the relationship. 

You are going to need friends to help you through the tough parts. You might be glad to have other people to talk to about your divorce situation. Or you might just need people to hang out with and talk to because your partner isn’t around anymore. Whatever the circumstances, rebuilding your life after divorce should involve strengthening your social connections. Humans are social creatures. We don’t do well alone. So make some new friends, reconnect with old friends, and don’t get stuck in solitude.

Brush Up your Parenting Skills — Couples Therapy Riverside Ca

[If you don’t have kids, just skip this one.]

Divorce changes your family configuration. You might have to take on some parenting duties that you’re not great at or aren’t used to. That’s okay. You can learn. You, and your coparent, are under a lot of stress with the divorce. And stress doesn’t bring out our best. Again, it’s okay. Brush up your parenting skills so your kids can benefit from consistency, attention, and love you have for them.

I recommend The CoParenting Handbook, The Whole Brain Child, No Drama Discipline, and Good Inside. Any one of these excellent books will help boost your confidence in your parenting and give you good tips for connecting with your child.

Refresh your Living Situation

If you stay in the place you and your partner used to share, you’re likely going to want to give it a refresh - change the art, repaint, move the furniture. Do some things that make this place feel like your own and reduce some of the constant reminders of the life you and your partner used to share together. You might also be looking at refinancing your house or getting a roommate to help cover costs.

If you moved, you get to start fresh. Maybe you change which side of the bed you sleep on, how you hang the toilet paper, or where you keep the bowls and spoons. It doesn’t really matter WHAT you do, what matters in rebuilding your life is that you do something that lets you feel like you have ownership over your own space. 

Don’t be shy to ask your friends for help here. After dividing up all the things, you might find that you need measuring cups, towels, pots and pans, bookshelves and any number of other things for your house. Make a list. Ask your friends if they have any of these things to donate to you. This can be a great way to reduce the financial burden of divorce. 

Get to Know Yourself Again - Marriage Counseling Temecula Ca

You have probably changed a lot since you first got together with your former partner. Maybe you like some of those changes, maybe you don’t. And maybe there are parts of yourself that you miss and want to strengthen again. Spend some time figuring out what YOU like. You get to have a personality that is separate from your former partner.

Heal and Grieve - Online Couples Counseling in California

You probably got hurt in the ending of your relationship. Maybe there were insults, criticisms, accusations, and betrayals. Your sense of safety and security was shaken. The person you loved and thought you’d spend the rest of your life with either doesn’t want to be with you anymore or isn’t who you thought they were. 

There’s a lot of grief associated with divorce. We lose the life we had, friends, our lifestyle, where we lived, our financial security. We lose the plans we had for our future. We might also grieve the losses this divorce brings to our kids. 

Don’t rush your time to heal and grieve. I know it is intense and may sometimes feel like it will never end. The quickest way out is through. Cry, rage, sleep, journal. Go to therapy. Give yourself the space to move through these emotions and they will resolve. Ignoring them will only push them down to come up with more intensity somewhere else. 

Move On

Right now it might seem like everything in your life is about the divorce. It won’t always be that way. Like I said above, don’t rush it. Slowly but surely (if you allow it) your life will settle. You can choose to continue to make your life all about the divorce--what you lost, how you were wronged--or you can allow yourself to move on. 

You will meet people who never knew your ex. You will like where you live. Your finances will stabilize. You will have hobbies and interests that don’t remind you of your ex. 

“When life starts to get good again, you should allow it. You don’t need to stay loyal to your suffering like it’s a badge of honor. You can simply let the good things happen.”

Reach out for help with Couples Counseling in California

If you find you are stuck in the rebuilding process, want some extra support, need guidance on how to heal and grieve, please reach out for help. We have therapists available to help you. 

Quality marriage counseling in Riverside CA, Temecula CA, and online couples counseling in California

At Inland Empire Couples Counseling we offer the best marriage counseling we can! Our couples therapists are trained in helping couples heal from infidelity, substance use in relationships, childhood trauma, communication skills, as well as providing the LGBTQIA+ community with pride counseling. We have online couples counseling in California. We have couples therapy in Riverside, CA. We also have marriage counseling in Murrieta CA or the Temecula Valley. Please reach out for help by clicking the button below to schedule a free 15 minute consultation with our Intake Coordinator.

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